Do you know proper phone etiquette, young person? Back in the old days, the whole entire point of a phone was something to blab into while another person blabbed back on the other end.
Nowadays, phones are used to do so many more completely annoying things like sexting and doing the socials.
Despite these modern “improvements”, it never hurts to brush up on phone etiquette. So, don’t be rude, read Bastige Von Curr’s tips on Proper Phone Etiquette.
When receiving a wrong number phone call, it is important to hang up immediately on the other person.
The instant you determine that the call was made in error, whether by the foreign-sounding accent of the caller or the fact that they’re asking for Joe and your name is Janet (or in my case Bastige Von Curr), you should angrily slam the receiver down and end that bullshit right there.
It should enrage you that someone could be so stupid as to mis-dial or get an incorrect number from a third party.
Of course, hanging up immediately before determining the cause of the error will many times force the person to call back to make sure they haven’t just dialed incorrectly.
This is your opportunity to get further enraged and hang up on this idiot a second and hopefully final time as they will have really gotten the message this time.
Dialing a Wrong Number
As soon as you’ve determined that you’ve dialed the wrong number because the schmuck on the other line is obviously not your buddy, Chet, hang up immediately.
You don’t need to apologize to some a-hole just because you made a mistake, and there’s no need to verify the number to make sure you have the correct one either. F ’em.
You can always redial, and if you get the same idiot again you can simply slam the phone down on them a second time. What are they gonna do, cry?
Phone Etiquette for Ordering Takeout
When ordering takeout from a restaurant, it’s really not necessary to take a look at the menu before you call in your order. There will be plenty of time to decide what you want once you’re on the phone.
This is especially important when you are ordering for a large group of people. The stooge taking your phone order is more than likely a big loser with nothing better to do than to spend ten minutes on the phone with you while you and your obnoxious buddies figure out what you want.
And if you don’t have a menu from that particular restaurant, no problem. The poor schmuck will be happy to describe every entree on the menu in great detail. Feel free to ask what their favorite dish is as well as what the most popular menu items are, how they’re prepared, with what ingredients, etc, etc, etc.
Get a quick rundown on the price of each menu item as well. You are entitled to as much information as you demand. Ask how long your order will take. If they say twenty minutes, arrive at the restaurant in five and act all put out and impatient.
Say something really clever like, “What are they killing the cow back there?” The restaurant drones will think that this is funny as they will have never heard that joke before. Don’t tip them either. They make plenty of money, believe me.
Ordering Delivery
When ordering food for delivery, don’t worry about having your credit card ready. Is it upstairs in your other purse? Is it out in the car? That’s ok, go get it, they’ll wait, after all, they want your business. It doesn’t matter that they may be busy. Take your time.
See previous section for Bastige Von Curr’s Tips for Ordering Take Out, then apply the following techniques for delivery. After you’ve finished ordering, but before they have a chance to give you the total, ask for the total.
Act all surprised at the price. Ask for a break down then tell them you still don’t see how that adds up to the price they’ve given you. Take your time, let the information sink in. “Ahhh, the tax, I forgot about the tax!!! Because there are taxes on everything these days. HAHAHAHA!!!”
If they tell you that your delivery will be about an hour, repeat that back in a shocked voice, “An hour!?” It’s just an estimate of course, and there’s no way they can tell you exactly when it will arrive, but tell them that if they could get it there sooner, you’d appreciate it.
They may have said an hour, but don’t bother looking at your watch to see when you called. Listen to your stomach instead. If your fat gut tells you your pizza should have arrived by now, don’t hesitate to call up the restaurant and demand to know where your food is. Be a dick about it and demand to know exactly where the driver is and the exact minute he or she will arrive.
What? They don’t have a GPS tracking device on your 12-dollar-bag of take-out? They’re not tracking your meatball sandwich with a satellite? A-holes! Demand a discount.
Now You Know Proper Phone Etiquette. You’re Welcome!
Thank you for reading. Please keep in mind that the views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they would since we are the ones publishing them, but you know, we gotta say they’re not for some reason. At least that’s what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.
Just some terrific riffs on this record. Very, very heavy. Cliff Burton was a really, really nice guy — he looked like a total loser, but really, really nice. Great singing from James too. Really good. Look at the band photo on this album. These guys are kids. Look at all those zits. Jeez. I never had bad skin. I was really, really lucky. Always good with the ladies. I wasn’t a loser like these guys.
Hit the Lights
Really great guitar solo from Kurt on this one. Kurt Hammett, I mean, his hair in ’83… is it Kurt or Kirk? It’s Kirk. That’s what I thought. He looks like one of Melania’s poodles with that hair. Completely ridiculous, but a really great solo. Really, really terrific.
The Four Horsemen
I don’t know what this song means. Four Horsemen? But it’s really, really terrific. These guys went on to make a lot of money. A lot of money. Not as much as me, but a lot of money. Motorbreath I’ve never had motorbreath. I don’t know what it is. Maybe Dee Snider can tell you, I don’t know. I’m kidding. Dee is great.
Jump in the Fire
When you’re in business, you have to jump in the fire, right? I know I’ve jumped in the fire. I know George has jumped in the fire. Terrific vocals. Really, really good.
(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth
Is there no singing on this? Not a very good business decision, no vocals. Not very, very smart. I would never do a song with no vocals, but I don’t know, maybe they knew what they were doing. Is this just a bass solo? No, wait, there’s some drums. Lars, now that guy gets it. That Napster thing, suing fans? That’s smart business. Whiplash I can’t bang my head like these guys. If Ivanka ever dated one of these heavy metal guys, I don’t know. I’d be very, very upset, but she wouldn’t do that, because she’s smart.
Phantom Lord
I don’t know what that is, Phantom Lord? Is that a Lord of the Rings thing? Like Hobbits? I don’t know. I never read those books. Some people like them. George likes them, but I don’t know. Not my thing.
No Remorse
In business, you have to have no remorse. You can’t have remorse. I can relate to this. I am very, very good at business. I make deals worth millions of dollars and you can’t have remorse. I love this song.
Seek & Destroy
Seek and destroy is what you have to do in business. I’ve seeked and destroyed my opponents in business. I have made a lot of money making really, really good business decisions. Seek and destroy. I kinda like that.
Metal Militia
I don’t know about metal militia. Militias are protected in the Constitution, I believe. Metal militias, I don’t know. Sounds like something Obama would like. Doesn’t sound American to me.
Thank you for reading Donald Trump Reviews Metallica! Read more reviews here.
The following GNR Lies album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]
Guns n Roses GNR Lies Album Review
In the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, Guns and Roses was the biggest band in the world. And they weren’t whiney little twits like Billy Corgan either. They were nasty, dirty, drunken, drugged out, impolite rock stars. They could also be clownish buffoons and in Axl’s case, a gigantic, megalomaniac a-hole.
In 1988, however, they were still getting a pass. When GN’R Lies came out in 1988, it sold 10 million copies. That’s pretty good for a bad record.
Perhaps bad is a bit strong, but it certainly was no Appetite for Destruction. And it shouldn’t be treated as a legitimate full-length release either, seeing how it was a cobbled-together placeholder to placate fans and make some dough while GNR toured the world placating fans and making dough.
GNR Lies Side G
The G Side (presumably the Guns side) of GNR Lies features the four tracks that comprised the 1986 EP, Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide.
The sad truth about Live Like a Suicide (we’ll dispense with the ?!*@ from here on out because it’s silly and makes no sense) is that it was NOT recorded live like a suicide. It is, in fact, a studio recording with crowd noise dubbed in. This hardly mattered to fans in 1988 and is awesome now as a testament to how ridiculous GNR could be.
“Reckless Life” and “Nice Boys” are similar hard-driving odes to the degenerate lifestyle espoused by these hard-edged glam rockers. “Move to the City” features a horn section and hits on a theme young Axl would return to countless times: a hick from the sticks moves to the Big City a.k.a. The Jungle.
“This is a song about your f*cking mother” announces Axl at the start of the Steven Tyler-penned tune, “Mama Kin”, which closes out Side G. The fictitious crowd especially enjoys this number. They must be Aerosmith fans—hell, for all we know this crowd noise was taken from an Aerosmith concert! Wouldn’t that be ironical?
GNR Lies Side R
Then there’s the R side (for Roses). This shows that the band can lay it down acoustically (hard rockers with a tender side) as is evidenced on the drippy “Patience”—Axl at his cartoonish best.
Things turn ugly (or hilarious depending on your perspective on murder) with “Used to Love Her”—not the first murder ballad ever written but certainly guaranteed to cause controversy.
The third track is a pointless, acoustic version of “You’re Crazy” from the Appetite record and then the coup de grace: “One in a Million.” Axl lets his red neck shine brightly on a return to the hick-in-the-city theme. In this piece, Axl calls out “immigrants and f****ts” for not making sense to him, what with the different languages and all. “It’s all Greek to me,” Axl observes with a bit of ironic wit not seen in a GNR song since “Turn around bitch I got a use for you” on “It’s So Easy” in ‘87. Axl also advises “police and n****rs” to get away from him as he will not be needing any gold chains at this point in time.
For complete lyrics to this tune, maybe you could ask John Rocker. I’m sure he has them burned into his frontal lobe if not tattooed on his ass.
Rolling Stonegave GNR Lies four out of five stars in their 1989 review, citing the release as proof of GNR’s sustainability and calling ‘One In a Million’ a “beautiful ballad” with Axl’s homophobic and anti-immigrant spiel “tempered with something that sounds oddly like compassion.”
Yes, Axl Rose may be a complete tool, but Rolling Stone built the toolbox.—Chris Auman
I am cheating a bit here with these reviews. Not really cheating, but at the very least, I am stretching the definition of “used.” Or maybe I’m opting for another definition altogether—used as in “utilized.” Regardless, these records have definitely been well used over the years, and I discovered, quite by accident, that all three of these albums are still available on cassette. As an aging Gen Xer and a fan of the format, I had to have them.
Grunge Record Reviews
All three of these Sub Pop releases take me back to the late ‘80s, which coincided with my late teenage years. Listening to them will always shuttle my brain back to the dorms of DePaul University, back when grunge was just starting to bubble up in the Pacific Northwest and flood the world. As older folks must preface nearly every sentence when younger people are within earshot, this was before the internet. And before cell phones and before IPAs were a thing too. Back when this music was new even if its influences were not.
Mudhoney
Superfuzz Bigmuff [Sub Pop] 1988
Superfuzz Bigmuff couldn’t be better named because the effects pedals for which it is named are themselves so aptly named. This six-song EP is a snarly combination of cheese-grater vocals and scuzzed-out guitars. A multi-sensory version of this release would smell like beer and taste like bongwater but also vice versa. With classic songs such as “Touch Me I’m Sick,” “Sweet Young Thing Ain’t Sweet No More,” and “In ‘n’ Out of Grace,” this album helped set the template for a genre that didn’t even know it existed yet. Superfuzz Bigmuff sounds just as nasty and glorious today as it did back in the day.
Nirvana
Bleach [Sub Pop] 1989
Nirvana’s debut album, Bleach, was a life changer for a lot of folks when it dropped at the ass-end of the ‘80s, myself included. I spent my last eight bucks on this record over Christmas break the year of its release because I was stuck in the dorm without a copy. It’s hard to believe I could buy this album but was not yet legally able to buy beer, because it is a potent brew of depressive dirges, punk attitude, and a “don’t-give-a-fuck-bout-nuthin” slacker ethos. The album, famously recorded for $606.17, sold 40,000 copies between its release and the band’s major label debut two years later. That’s kind of astronomical for an underground band, but nowhere close to the nearly 2 million copies it would sell in a post-Nevermind world. Every song is a stoner burnout classic and it sounds great on cassette too, because why wouldn’t it?
Soundgarden
Screaming Life/Fopp EP [Sub Pop] 1990
To complete this sacred trilogy of grunge, I submit to you Screaming Life/Fopp. This EP, released in 1990, is a comp. featuring two of the band’s EPs from the late ‘80s. It’s metal in slow-mo with Sabbath-paced songs and a cleaner sound than that of most of Soundgarden’s fellow grunge bands. Either way, it’s as heavy as the best of them and, as the Chris Cornell photo on the cover attests, hair was also on proud display. The menace of “Hunted Down,” the band’s first single, and its b-side “Nothing to Say” are tense and menacing. I was always partial to “Little Joe” and its line “Go to where the reptiles roam. They’re waiting for you, Little Joe,” (probably due to the reptile reference) and if a grunge band wants to cover a funky Ohio Players tune like “Fopp,” more power to ‘em.
If you enjoyed reading these Grunge Masters cassette reviews, you should order a copy of Used Records and Tapes!
Working with a hangover blows chunks, but fear not,Sucky the Parasitic Worm is here to help you survive your crappy existence! Today’s life lesson is how to get through work while suffering from a hangover.Also, if you have a drinking problem, get help, please!
A Guide to Working with a Hangover
Hungover on a workday? Don’t you DARE call in sick and screw over your coworkers. And don’t miss out on your bread just because you can’t hold your juice. Beat that hangover, buddy!
If you are an hourly employee with no paid sick days, you cannot afford to waste a day on a hangover. Have some fricking self-respect and suck it up, Sally. Get thee to work!
Yeah, it’s gonna suck hard but you deserve it, you moron. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about doing those 2 am whisky shots on a school night. If you absolutely must party on a school night, get smart. Make a plan to eat before, during, and after your binge. Drink some water and eat an aspirin or two before you pass out (I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice).
Oh, and try not to drink like a frat person. I realize that sometimes a night of debauchery will pop up unplanned and tackle your ass to the ground, but whenever possible, mitigate the damages.
Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz
Before you go to bed after a binge, drink some sodium bicarbonate and anhydrous citric acid, a.k.a. Alka-Seltzer, and then drink some more as soon as you wake up in the morning. Sure, it looks comforting when it’s all fizzy in a glass, but it tastes like cat piss. Slurp it down anyway and you will feel—not amazing, but amazingly less shitty.
Again, this is not medical advice. I do not have a doctoral or a master’s degree. I barely have a bachelor’s degree and it’s definitely not paid for yet.
Line that Gut With Grease
If you can manage to remember to stuff your face with some good old-fashioned grease before you go to bed after bingeing, you will be the better worker for it. Nothing too salty or you’ll be up all night chugging water. There’s nothing wrong with drinking lots of water, you’ll need to do that too, but you also need sleep. Drinking water and whizzing all night ain’t gonna help you clock those Z’s.
I personally like to eat a slinger at the conclusion of a bender. A slinger comes in different incarnations but usually goes something like this: greasy hash browns topped with two hamburger patties topped with American cheese topped with two fried eggs completely smothered in chili. Eat it with a side of white bread and a glass of milk and you will live longer than Keith Richards. Also, White Castle sliders never taste better than when your three sheets are blowing in the wind, so consider a stop there (on foot!)
The Morning After
Oh boy. I hope you remembered to eat grease last night. Here’s what you don’t want to eat now: anything acidic. Eat some dry toast. Drink some tea and a lot of water. Yes, you need caffeine, I’m not an idiot (or a doctor) but your stomach can’t handle coffee just yet. You’ll cave into your craving soon enough. Try to wait as long as you can though.
Eat a banana, an apple, a pear, maybe eat some (mildly acidic) cranberry juice. Some people think Gatorade does the trick. Some more grease won’t kill you. I usually try to get some type of sausage and egg sandwich in me around this time and at least two orders of hash browns. What can I say, the gut wants what it wants.
Stay Hydrated and Caffeinated
Your brain is going to go through a lot of peaks and valleys throughout the day. You will need to keep it hydrated and find sources of caffeine. I know I previously warned you to avoid it, but that was THEN, this is NOW! Have some coffee as soon as your stomach can handle it.
Consider other caffeine delivery systems such as Coke (that’s a capital ‘C’ on Coke, Disco Stu, don’t mess with the yeyo when you can’t even handle the hooch) or other cola products. More H2O too. Lot’s more.
Hair of the Dog
The Hair of the Dog cure basically advocates staying drunk—a very short-term solution. That said, hangovers are short-term problems. The pros don’t get hungover because they make sure to always have booze in their systems. If you have a job where the lives of others are at stake, you should really just call in sick today, but if you are an office drone or retail worker, who am I to tell you what cure to take? That said, maybe you should save this one for your day-off hangover. That’s a whole ‘nother breed.
I hope you have sense enough to listen to me and not your brain. After all, this is the same brain that told you to drink three pitchers of Busch Light last night so, obviously, it doesn’t know shit.
Try to look busy today, sport, and remember, you will live to be this stupid again, probably in a few days.
Longtime readers may recall that before he was elected POTUS (the first time), Donald Trump wrote record reviews for the Reglar Wiglar. Now that he is out of the White House, we asked The Donald if he would return to his old post. Amazingly he agreed to share his thoughts on the iconic American hardcore band Black Flag.
(If you’re interested in what Trump thinks of Metallica, read his review of their killer debut album Kill ‘Em All.)
Best Black Flag Album: Damaged
I’ve said this publicly, you can go and check, Damaged is the best Black Flag album. I’ve gotten a lot of credit for saying that. I’ve had big, powerful skinheads — big, tough guys — come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, “Thank you, sir, thank you for saying that Damaged is the best Black Flag record.” Biden thinks Live ‘84 is better and it’s a disgrace.
Drawing by Mike Dixon
Best Black Flag Song: “American Waste”
Dez sings very strongly on this one. Very powerfully. “American Waste” is what was going on in this country when I became president and I changed that. We had the best economy in the history of the world and then came the plague from China and it never should have happened. And I won’t forget it.
Best Black Flag Singer: Henry Rollins
Some people say Keith, some people say Dez, some people say Ron. I say Henry, OK? For me, Henry sings very powerfully. Very strongly. You need that in a singer, especially in hardcore, you need somebody who’s tough.
Drawing by Mike Dixon
Best Black Bass Player: Chuck Dukowski
Chuck plays very strongly. Very powerfully. I can relate to that. Kira? Not a fan. Nasty woman. People have said that if I played bass I would be a very good bass player because I would play very strongly. I like that. Maybe I’ll play bass. Never saw Black Flag, no. I imagine the audience would smell very strongly. Can you see me and Melania at a Black
Best Black Flag Live Show: —-
Never saw Black Flag, no. I imagine the audience would smell very strongly. Can you see me and Melania at a Black Flag show? I don’t think so.
Best Black Flag Drummer: Bill Stevenson
Definitely not Robo. He came here illegally. If he would have gone back to Colombia, or wherever, and come here legally then I would consider Robo. But Bill, Bill plays very strong, very powerful drums. I like Bill’s powerful drums.
Drawing by Mike Dixon
Best Black Flag Guitar Player: Greg Ginn
Greg Ginn, no question. Great businessman too.
Black Flag Member Ivanka Should MarryAfter Divorcing Current Husband:
How about none of them, OK? Great band though. Really fantastic for what they did. Very successful for that type of music, hardcore, but no, Ivanka would never marry a loser.
Recently, Dave Hankins interviewed me for his zine, Questions & Answers. You can read that interview below. I also encourage you to check out some of the other zines Dave publishes, which are available from Lazer Attack. [Note: color images and headings have been added to the original]
Interview with Chris Auman
I first contacted Chris two years ago to inquire about his zine distro, Roostercow. Since then, we’ve exchanged a handful of emails and sent each other some stuff through the mail. Yet over these past couple years, I had only read five of Chris’ zines. Five is a very small percentage of Chris’ output. He has been publishing for a long time and is incredibly prolific. Just recently, I finally got my hands on a bunch of his zines and have been having a lot of fun reading through them all. And now I get to ask him some questions!
Hello Chris, thank you for being a part of this! To start off, I’m asking everybody about their names. I’ve seen the movie Vernon, Florida, so I think I know where the name of your zine series Reglar Wiglar comes from. So I suppose I’ll ask you about Roostercow. How did that name originate?
Many years ago, when I was a teenager, my mom found a little plastic toy animal while working in the garden. It had the head of a rooster and the body of a cow. I cleaned it off and kept it on my desk in my room. For whatever reason, when I made a mix tape for friends, I would write RoosterCow Records on the J-card. When I started drawing Woodrow Comics, also as a teenager, RoosterCow Records was their record label. Naturally, when my band (Reagan National Crash Diet) wanted to release our debut record, it had to be on the RoosterCow label. Since 2001, the label has released 30 CDs, vinyl records, digital albums, and one cassette. When I started RoosterCow Press in 2014 to publish the Reglar Wiglar reboot, I decided to use the umbrella term RoosterCow Media for everything.
Reglar Wiglar Zine
Cat drawing by Dave Hankins
You were nice enough to send me some of the old Reglar Wiglars from the late 90s and early 2000s. Several articles and interviews have had me laughing lately, but I think my favorite section of each issue is the album reviews. A cast of characters, such as Joey Germ, P.C. Jones, and Jayne Wayne, really had a way with words when reviewing records. I’m guessing that most, if not all, of these reviewers, were actually you using pen names. Is that right?
Yes, those names you mentioned were a few of the many pseudonyms I used. I wrote the majority of the reviews, but I had several guest reviewers over the years. Mike Dixon (Used Records & Tapes) wrote quite a few in the later years. In the early days, I had three or four standby names, like the ones you mentioned. Each had their own personality and taste in music. Joey Germ and Malcolm Tent liked punk rock. Muggsy McMurphy was partial to metal. Early on, Jayne Wayne was a super pretentious New Age-type, but morphed into a snarky punk as well.
Most of the Reglar Wiglar record reviews are done in the typical format of a short paragraph, but you’ve also gotten very creative at times. One word record reviews, record reviews written as haikus, and records reviewed in the voice of Donald Trump are just a few of the entertaining choices made. I guess there’s not really a question here, but I wish other publications would have as much fun with reviews as you do.
Well, Reglar Wiglar started as a parody of music magazines. The first few issues had reviews of fake records and movies, interviews with fake bands, etc. Around the third issue, I reviewed a few records put out by friends’ bands and labels, then other labels and bands started sending me stuff. I made a point to review everything, but I kept getting more and more, so I had to find some way to review everything. That’s how the one-word and haiku reviews started.
Looking back now, most of the reviews were pretty harsh, and I think I’ve endured some karmic payback for that, but of the hundreds of snarky reviews I published, I only got complaints from two bands, and one was for a review that I didn’t write. My hope was that everyone was in on the joke, and if you didn’t know what to expect when you sent me your record, you failed to do your research. As for the reviews “written” by Trump, those were published a year or two before he ran for president in 2016, back when I thought he was just an incompetent real estate hack and gameshow host. I mistakenly thought this was how everyone saw him. I was very wrong about that.
Used Records & Tapes Zine
Ok, here’s a question… You also have a zine series called Used Records and Tapes, in which you and a few guests write about and review albums. Have you ever considered inviting a Reglar Wiglar regular, such as Dunc the Punk to write something for U.R.&T., or will the two worlds always remain separate?
I have not, but that’s a great idea. Some of my reviews in UR&T, at least in the first issue, have a bit of Joey Germ’s attitude, but I think I’ve mellowed out too much these days to revive those characters. Dunc the Punk is a real person, by the way. He is an irritable Brit in real life, too, so I think he had fun channeling that into his music reviews. I am sure he would resurrect Dunc if asked.
Woodrow Comics
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading about the fictional band The Woodrows. You’ve been writing about them for nearly forty years now. Over all this time, have you ever made any Woodrows merch? As I’ve been reading, I’ve been thinking that I’d like to get a Woodrows t-shirt or sticker. That band rules!
Yikes! Reading “40 years” is a bit of a shocker, but yes, I started drawing the Woodrows with a friend in high school. I have thought about creating Woodrows merch in the past, but always wondered, who would buy it? Now I know that Dave Hankins would, and that’s at least one sale! So, maybe someday. You’ll be the first to know. One project that I will probably never get around to is a Woodrows tribute album where I would ask real bands to “cover” Woodrows’ songs. That would be a huge undertaking since only the song titles exist at this point.
Music
Aside from creating fake bands, you also create real bands! It looks like your most recent group, Empire Smalls, is no longer active. Are you working on anything currently, or are you taking some time off from music?
Well, I’ve wanted to be in a band since I was probably 12 or 13, and I started my first band when I was 15 before I even had a guitar, which I got for my 16th birthday.
After I moved to Chicago for school, it took a few years to get another band going. Once that initial hurdle was over, I was in a band, playing shows, and releasing records for the next 25 years. I moved to Madison, WI, in 2012 and lived there for a little over three years, but didn’t have much luck finding people to play with. That’s when I started using the name Empire Smalls to release a few solo digital EPs on Bandcamp.
When I moved back to Chicago in 2015, the 1-piece band became a 3-piece with the addition of Mike Dixon and Tim Davison. Our debut live show was canceled due to the pandemic. When the shutdown ended, I realized I no longer had the desire to play live. When Tim moved to North Carolina a year or so later, Mike and I had a hard time replacing him, so we gave up trying. I have not done much with music since then, but I do have a dozen or so songs I’d like to finish and record someday, hopefully with guest appearances by my many talented musician friends. That record will no doubt be released on RoosterCow Records.
Gray Flag & Ridiculous Fiction
Over the past few years, you’ve been publishing zines containing material that you wrote in the early 1990s. The Gray Flag series just ended, but it looks like Ridiculous Fiction is just getting started. Issue #1, titled Old Joe, came out last summer. When can we expect issue #2?
My reasoning for publishing stuff from the early 1990s is to fill in a gap in the creative timeline that exists in my head. It’s a very self-indulgent undertaking, but that’s what self-publishing is. Looking back, I realized that I have been publishing comics and little magazines (didn’t know what a zine was then) since I was 8 or 9 years old.
Not long after I bought my first copy of Mad Magazine, I started writing and drawing my own version. My high school band “released” a half-dozen cassettes that I did artwork for and dubbed on my crappy Sears stereo, but there was about a four year gap while I was in college where I was writing and drawing, but not publishing anything aside from a one-off underground newspaper.
So, Ridiculous Fiction and Gray Flag are my attempts to document that time. Ridiculous Fiction #2 should be out in 2025 at some point. It features an absurd short story I wrote at a laundromat in 1990. I have stories for more issues, but I think some of this stuff may be too ridiculous for general consumption, which means I will probably publish them anyway, maybe as Really Ridiculous Fiction.
Reglar Wiglar #30
On that same note, issue #29 of Reglar Wiglar came out in 2023. Any plans for #30?
There is a plan for RW #30, which will be a collection of comics, gags, and drawings – some old some new – but all previously unpublished (I think). I hope to have that done by the end of this year as well, but we’ll see.
It appears to me the quality of the physical zine itself is just as important to you as the quality of the written content. Many of your zines are in large sizes, several of them have glossy pages, and all of the covers are thick and mostly printed in color. They really stand out amongst the rest of my collection. Even the old issues of R.W. from the 1990s are 8.5 by 11 inches with cardstock covers. Could you please share your thoughts on paper choices?
I always wanted the Reglar Wiglar to look as good as possible while being produced for as little money as possible.
The first two issues had black and white cardstock covers, and then I did all newsprint editions until I used color cardstock covers starting with issue #11. Initially, I could only afford one color, so I did a red-on-white cover, black-on-white, green-on-white, blue-on -white, etc. Once I obtained better-paying employment, I graduated to two colors, then three.
I peaked with RW #16, which was four colors, plus I drew in part of the cover drawing with a black Sharpie, so technically it was five colors.
After that, I went back to two colors but increased the page count to 100 pages. With digital printing and more affordable software options, I can finally go crazy with multicolor covers or do grayscale or black and white, as well as smaller print runs. It’s been liberating in that respect, but it still ain’t cheap to print in color.
Vincent Van Gogh
This final question is pretty far off topic, but you recently mentioned to me that you got to visit the big Vincent van Gogh exhibit that is currently happening in Boston. Please tell me a little about that experience. Was this your first time seeing original Van Gogh paintings? Did you see anything or learn anything that surprised you?
Van Gogh had been popping up in my life a lot about a year ago. It started with a book my dad gave me in 1990 called If You Want to Write, which was published in 1938. I finally started reading it last year (35 years later!), which goes to show that good advice is often wasted on young people. At any rate, the author, Brenda Uland, refers to Van Gogh’s letters quite a bit, which I never knew existed. Around the same time, I read your zine Sunflowers, which hit me at the right moment because it was such a great way to spend 30 minutes on the porch on a sunny fall afternoon, totally engrossed in one specific subject.
In January of this year, Santa gave me a copy of Van Gogh’s letters. In June, while my partner Sarah was attending a workshop in Cambridge, MA, I was killing time, strolling around Harvard Square, when I saw an ad on a bus for the Van Gogh exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts. The next day, I took the train to Boston and spent about three hours at the museum.
I’ve been to the Art Institute of Chicago enough times in my life that I’m sure I’ve seen “The Bedroom” there, which is on loan to the Boston Exhibit. It was great to see so many of his paintings grouped together and up close. I love how he saw color and how he was willing to sacrifice so much to become a great painter, knowing he had a limited time on this planet, as we all do. He was fully aware that he was painting for future generations and not his contemporaries.
Thanks again, Chris! I’m thirty years late to the party, but Reglar Wiglar has become one of my favorite zine series. If you’ve got any new projects coming up, or anything else you’d like to tell about, please do that here.
You’re welcome. It’s never too late to join the party. As for future projects, this year should see RF#2 and RW#30, as previously mentioned, plus Woodrow Comics #2. There will be a RoosterCow records release as well, but it’s too soon to go into detail about that because there may or may not be a zine component to it. After this year, it will be time to scale back. I want to focus on finishing a graphic novel I’ve been chipping away at for the past five or six years. It will be unlike anything I’ve done in the past and it is not music-related at all. If anyone wants to stay up-to-date on any or all RoosterCow-related activities, they can sign up for the newsletter. Thanks, Dave!
Emo Rapper Lil Magneezy was an American rapper who rose to fame as a part of a group of artists who released mixtapes on the popular SoundPuff streaming service. While many SoundPuff hip-hop artists rapped about codeine, benzodiazepines, opiates, and “purple drank,” Lil Magneezy spit rhymes about magnesium, a mineral that helps keep blood pressure normal, bones strong, and the heart rhythm steady.
Early life and career
Born in rural western Pennsylvania in 1999, Lil Magneezy began his career as Lil Fenty before changing it to Lil Oxy. Lil Oxy made his rap debut at a junior high talent show then blew the fuck up thanks to a mixtape released on SoundPuff. After being diagnosed with a magnesium deficiency, Lil Oxy began taking vitamin and mineral supplements and changed his name to Lil Magneezy.
Dangers of magnesium deficiency
Experts say that a significant number of individuals in the US do not eat a diet of magnesium-rich foods, thus putting themselves at a higher risk of inflammation. This inflammation, in subsequent stages, has been linked to heart disease, diabetes, and specific types of cancers. Insufficient magnesium levels also seem to contribute as a risk factor for osteoporosis.
SupplementBoiClique
In 2015, Lil Magneezy joined with like-minded artists to form the rap clique SupplementBoiClique, which included fellow SoundPuff rappers Vitamin Deezy, Multi Vee, Vita-K, Bee12, and Fish Oyl.
Success
While Lil Magneezy failed to blow the fuck up among his age demographic, he found a receptive audience in the retirement communities of Florida. In 2016, he moved to the Sawgrass Grove area of The Villages with other members of the SupplementBoiClique. The “bois” held weekly concerts and in their leisure time, enjoyed playing mahjong and shuffleboard, and doing 500-piece jigsaw puzzles with their fans.
Overdose and death
Before a show in Gainsville, FL in 2016, Lil Magneezy complained of nausea, abdominal cramping, and diarrhea — all side effects of taking too many magnesium supplements. The cramping was so intense that he canceled the remaining tour dates. In 2017, to show that he was true to the supplement game, Lil Magneezy shunned most solid foods except seeds and nuts, which are themselves high in magnesium. His body eventually shut down, and he passed away peacefully at his villa. According to the Marion County medical examiner, the cause of death was starvation.
Read more musician bios
This Lil Magneezy bio was originally published in Forgotten Music Masters which is still available for purchase.
This column originally appeared in Behind the Zines #12 titled “Like This or Don’t: Promoting Your Zines on Social Media.”
A collection of my zines that I should be promoting on social media.
Promoting Zines on Social Media
If I could make one generalization about zine makers—and this is probably true of creative people in general—it’s that we tend to be introverts. It’s not that we can’t be social and outgoing and accomplished because, obviously, we can. It’s just that many of us find social situations draining, especially when we are engaged in them for long periods of time, like five minutes. And yet we manage to summon as much awkward grace as we can and get through it.
It would stand to reason then, that the very concept of social media would set our collective teeth on edge. Why wouldn’t the same anxieties and insecurities bubble up at the thought of publicly sharing information about ourselves and our work?
Self-Esteem Destroyer
There are countless studies on how social media is a self-esteem destroyer that is making us all profoundly unhappy. Some scientists believe social media affects us in a way similar to drugs—the positive attention we get from social media releases dopamine that gives our brains a thrill. That blast of cerebral pleasure quickly dissolves, leaving us feeling empty and sad inside. Pretty bleak stuff.
From my own experience, using social media to spread the word about my zines is a necessary evil. If you create something and you want people to read it, then you have to promote it. Sure, you could stand on a street corner and hand out copies to random people, but in some way, you’re still marketing the ideas contained in that publication. And if you print more than one copy of something, it stands to reason that you would want at least one other human animal to see it.
That said, if I spend countless hours making a zine and pay out of pocket to have it printed, then travel to the social media dimension and post about that fact, and in return, I get a smattering of likes—is that a failure? How about no likes? (Did anybody just hear a tree fall in the forest?) On the other hand, if I post a picture of my dog wearing a funny hat on his birthday that’s gonna blow the F up. (Not hatin’ on my dog, he’s a funny dude, but still, it’s a humbling experience for those who actually have to work for the accolades.)
Engagement Fatigue
I think the reason for the indifference to my zine-promoting posts is that most of my social media friends/followers fall into two different categories. There are my “old” old friends (elementary school through high school) who have not, nor will they ever understand zines, comics, self-publishing, or underground anything. And then there are my “newer” old friends (college, former coworkers, etc.) that I’ve known for decades who are probably a little immune to the steady barrage of “read this zine/comic,” “download this digital album,” “come see my band play at 11:30 on Monday night at a dive bar that is 20 miles from where you live.” On the other hand, everyone gets dogs. So in the social media arena, I just can’t compete with an animal who goes through life blissfully unaware of his status as a minor celebrity.
So, the question becomes, is it worth it? I think it probably is. You just can’t take it personally. You’ve got to be prepared for your posts to be insufficiently liked and possibly outright ignored. I mean, how often do you scroll through your feeds carefully examining each post, considering the merits of what’s being communicated, and really engaging with it before assigning a thumbs up or heart to it? How often do you just go on a “like” binge and drop a heart on everything that has the words ‘birthday,’ or ‘graduation’ in it, or the picture of a kitten, puppy, or baby?
My dog Snippet as a puppy. Photo: Elizabeth Auman
Start Promoting Zines on Social Media
I swore many times that I was going to give up social media for good, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, especially now that I’ve joined a whole bunch of new platforms. So, please Frog me on Frugger, Tweak me on Twerker, Spike me on Spoker, and Squish me on Squasher!
Whether we are at the club throwing out our digits (cell phone numbers) to prospective sleeping companions, or in the alley behind the club giving up our PINs at knifepoint, we can’t live without numbers. That’s why I think you’ll agree with my list of the top ten numbers of all time!
Coming in first (which really means last) on our Top Ten List of the Top Numbers of All Time is Number Ten. Don’t take it too hard, old buddy, this doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We appreciate your work ethic, but somebody has to come in at Number Ten and unfortunately, that’s you.
The Number Nine is divine, and by divine we mean one better than Number Ten. Nine times out of ten we’ll take the Number Nine over the Number Ten (with a margin of error of plus or minus one). Not too shabby.
Eight is great if you’re a spider or an octopus, but not so great if you’re John and Kate. But we’re not them. We’re not even Octomom, so we really do think Number Eight is great. We wish there could be eight days a week because that would mean one more day per week (which is currently seven days long) that we could love this number!
Seven is heaven and a little bit lucky to boot. We’d sail the Seven Seas to please this magical numeral. Not as needy as Six or as snooty as Eight, we think the Number Seven has it going on!
Three of these in a row and you’ve got trouble, my Christian friend, but the Number Six by itself? A-dor-a-ble! (Just keep Six away from Nine, please, this is a family-friendly Top Ten List.)
Number Five is alive at Number Five. The Number Five doesn’t take any jive and that’s why we love it! So give us Five. Up high. Down low. You’re never going to be too slow to hang out with this affable, middle-of-the-road, go-along-to-get-along, probably an undecided voter of a number.
Four is good luck if you’re a clover, but not if you are in China as the number four sounds like the Chinese word for death. Yikes! That is not so lucky, unless you are praying for death like we pray for the Number Four to someday move on up in the ranks. Watch those weird back humps, Number Three, Number Four is going to murder you someday!
Three’s a crowd, or so they say, but we disagree. That’s why this numeral is near the top of our list. Coaches, and other overly competitive jerk wads, like to say things like: “If you’re not first, you’re last.” (Which basically means, if you didn’t win the game, you cannot technically call yourself the winner). We say, not true! You can be a third-place champion like our (third) favorite number, Number Three!
Playing second fiddle to no one (except the digit at the number one spot on this list) is good old Number Two. Why do kids laugh when someone says your name, Number Two? So cruel. You don’t care, because it sure feels good when you slide out ready to make a splash in the world!
Number one on our list of the Top Ten Numbers of All Time is the undisputed champ, the greatest number that has existed or ever will exist, the perennial top dog—our Spanish-speaking friends call this guy “Numero Uno” for good reason—yes, it’s Number One! One is the loneliest number only if you believe Three Dog Night, but we don’t. We’ve never trusted Three Dog Night about anything before and we’re certainly not going to start listening to them diss our favorite number. Hey Number Ten, lose that Zero and get with a hero!
NOTE: This Top Ten Numbers list originally appeared in Reglar Wiglar #22. Always read Reglar Wiglar! See more of my published zines here.
