Chris Auman’s Blog

The following Cars album review review by Chris Auman was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Cars Album Review

Santa dropped some good vinyl on me one Xmas way back in the day (I imagine the albums were purchased at the downtown Ben Franklin, but that’s mere speculation.)

At the time, I hadn’t really progressed much past a Queen fixation. It was pretty much all Queen all the time, actually. So, in what was possibly 1984 or 1985, I got a handful of records which would help get my teenaged brain branching out into different directions.

One of the albums I received was The Cars self-titled debut album, ironically enough, produced by Roy Thomas Baker who put the sheen on many a Queen platter.

Despite only getting hip to this record in the mid-1980s, The Cars actually came out in 1978. The album went double platinum just a few days shy of its one-year anniversary and was still a big seller years later. The Cars followed up with a strong sophomore effort with Candy-O in 1979 and continued to deliver solid albums throughout the ‘80s.

Dominating Debut

Talk about debuts that dominate, this Boston band could have packed it all in after one record and they still would have achieved legendary status. As it was, they didn’t and therefore were able to set the tone for the coming decade and their dominance of it. Like their contemporaries, The Police, and The Pretenders, The Cars had great songs and deserved their spot on the top of the heap.

The album kicks off with a plea to “Let the Good Times Roll” — a mid-tempo, cool, hooky tune with plenty of backing vocals Roy Thomas Baker was no doubt quite comfortable with. The lyrics also contain the line, “let them brush your rock and roll hair” which Rob Pollard may wish he would have thought of first. That song would set the template for the rest of the record.

“My Best Friend’s Girlfriend” is a new wave doo-wop tune, followed by “Just What I Needed,” the third perfect pop song in a row resulting in three shots at the charts.

Doncha Stop

The A-side ends with “Don’t Cha Stop” which advises not stopping something if this particular something makes you feel good. Perhaps not the best advice in all situations, but it depends entirely on context.

While Ocasek’s geeky cool and lean and lanky look is a big part of the visual appeal of The Cars, and Ric is generally thought of as the leader of the band, bassist Benjamin Orr (born Orzechowski) supplies a more crooning style on three of the albums best tracks, “Moving in Stereo,” “Bye Bye Love,” and “Just What I Needed.”

It is Ocasek who takes almost all the writing credits on the LP, with only Hawkes credited as co-writer for “Moving in Stereo”.

“You’re All I’ve Got Tonight” is another great track that kicks off the B-side. As a side note, despite knowing the song title, for the longest time I thought the chorus was “You don’t like God tonight,” which would be a much darker song. In retrospect, it’s hard to believe that I could have ever misheard those lyrics and will chalk it up to the morbidity of a teenaged brain and forced Catholicism.

Bye Bye Love

“Bye Bye Love” has one of my favorite Cars lines, “it’s an orangy sky, always it’s some other guy.” “I’m In Touch with Your World” is an alien-themed song commonly found on new wave albums.

The Cars was a band of musicians, not rock stars. Elliot Easton was a precise lead guitar player whose solos were short, to the point, and so far removed from wankery as to be understated and perhaps underappreciated as a result.

Greg Hawkes had a mustache that no doubt tickled the ladies as nicely as he tickled the keys and Ex-Modern lover David Robinson is as solid on the kit as a pop-rock drummer gets.

It’s not surprising Ocasek produced Weezer’s debut as that band was The Cars of the 90s in many ways, not the least of which is the ability to write one hell of a catchy hook. A New Cars would put a tour together without their leader and David Robinson.

The Cars apparently released a record of originals with Ocasek in 2011 which I am only learning about now. Orr died in 2000 of pancreatic cancer.

Thank you for reading this Cars album review. Go back to the blog page!

The following The Unforgiven album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

On a Friday night many years ago, while driving around rural country roads in a Chevy Chevette with two girls (who weren’t sisters but probably cousins) drinking wine coolers (Bartles & Jaymes most likely), waiting for the football game to start, I heard a song play on a mixtape and it stuck in my head for the next twenty years.

Occasionally, I would remember the tune, chorus only, and I would ask some random friend or co-worker if they had ever heard a song that went like this (and I’d sing it to them): “All is quiet, all is quiet on the Western Front/All is quiet on the Western Front.”

Blank stares. Thank god then for the Internet which solved this decades-old riddle with its Google and its Youtube.

You can be forgiven for not knowing this song or that band. Despite writing one of the most memorable pop tunes I had apparently ever heard, The Unforgiven failed to break into the pop charts and pretty much reside in obscurity these days.

The Unforgiven – Album Review

The Unforgiven certainly played a poppy brand of hard rock and if these dudes would have gone the glam route with lipstick and colorful scarves, like your Poisons and Cinderellas, they may have had more success. Instead, they traveled the lonely road of the Wild West Cowboy band—or at least of a band that adopts that particular theme.

To be fair, there was somewhat of a cowpunk movement in underground ’80s rock and a bit of a “country is cool” resurgence going on with bands like Lone Justice, Rank & File, and Jason & The Scorchers. The Unforgiven were either too late to the posse, or maybe they were deemed too not-authentic-enough, or maybe they tried a little too hard to cultivate an image that failed to connect.

The Unforgiven went all in with their schtick, complete with songs about hangings (“Hang ‘Em High”),  The Civil War (“All is Quiet…”), evil men of the cloth (“The Preacher”) and just being a man in general (“I Hear The Call”). They dressed the part, wearing full-length dusters and various accoutrements of the Old West and they even asked Clint Eastwood to direct a video for them. He declined but then allegedly used the band’s name and font for his 1992 movie Unforgiven. This is a somewhat dubious claim as the band itself surely took its name from the 1960 Western, The Unforgiven of which Eastwood was no doubt much more familiar with. I also doubt that an actor and director as associated with Westerns as Clint would be so influenced by this band or so involved with the marketing of his movie that he personally chose the font for the movie poster after being only briefly aware of their existence eight years earlier. The fonts are only slightly similar at any rate, but whatever, that rumor is out there apparently.

The Unforgiven were together for only three short years, but have been active more recently according to their website. During their original run, the band released one full-length record and one single: 1986’s self-titled debut album and “I Hear the Call.”

All in all, there’s some good ‘80s hard guitar pop on this record. 

While the gang vocals may be a little too over-the-top for some, it is certainly a guilty pleasure for me that takes me back to that Friday night drinking wine coolers and listening to the tape player in a Chevy Chevette. — Chris Auman

If you enjoyed this Unforgiven album review be sure to buy a copy of Used Records & Tapes number 1 from the RoosterCow Store!

The following review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

The fifth studio album from The Police was a monster seller in all formats. Synchronicity, (pretentiously titled after a book that name-checks a term coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung) turned these three blondes from superstars into superduper stars.

The synchronicity concept—whereby two seemingly unrelated events occur simultaneously for some purpose—seemed to be a theme connecting the songs on this album. I guess. Maybe not. Ask Sting. The only evidence of this theory seems to be the two pretentiously-titled tracks “Synchronicity I” and “Synchronicity II”.

The Police Synchronicity Album Review

In keeping with the theme as well, I suppose, are the two seemingly unrelated events of Copeland’s “Miss Gradenko” and Summer’s almost-unlistenable “Mother,” both lumped together on side A along with songs about dinosaurs, God, and biscuit-taking, and the aforementioned “Synchronicitys.” The B-side delivers the goods though, giving us no less than three hit songs as well as a song about desert

tea drinking.

Synchronicity would become The Police’s biggest-selling album and their last. What do you expect? These guys were on a nonstop, whirlwind touring and recording schedule and the end was bound to come. Allegedly, Copeland and Sting came to blows during the recording. Copeland obviously didn’t punch Sting hard enough because he was able to carry on and release such pretentiously-titled future albums like The Dream of the Blue Turtles and Nothing Like the Sun as he became a world music and tantric dork.

A lot of critics (aka nerds) like to get bunched undies when bands featuring mostly white people incorporate different styles of the music of nonwhite people into their own. This of course ignores the fact that very little music played on this planet in the ‘80s or today was created in a vacuum and the origin of rock music, should they take the time to remember, was a multicultural hodgepodge of country and blues.

While this fact should make them want to give up writing and actually try to enjoy music like most humans, nothing will deter them from trying to kill everyone’s buzz one band at a time. (Vampire Weekend is a recent example of how this pointless argument resurfaces every few years.) They must have been relieved then when Sting opted to forgo the reggae and island rhythms of records past in favor of the more experimental approach of throwing horns at everything.

The question is whether Synchronicity deserves a place on such a high pedestal. Maybe yes, but mainly for the cultural impact it had on us back then. I will say, that I was down with the Synchro in 7th grade like I was down with Thriller and Business as Usual. I rolled with the trends back then.

Listening to this record many decades later, however, and after becoming a fan of earlier Police records like the pretentiously titled Outlandos d’Amour and Reggatta de Blanc, this record is certainly not as exciting as those first efforts. Sure, it delivered the hits in spades, but it’s a dark record and kind of a bummer to listen to and nobody wants to spend that much time in Sting’s head, not even Sting.

I hope you enjoyed reading The Police Synchronicity album review!  —Chris Auman

The following Martha and the Muffins Metro Music album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Martha and The Muffins weren’t chart toppers. They weren’t MTV darlings like The Police, A Flock of Seagulls, or Men at Work, etc., but this Toronto outfit played an infectious blend of new wavy pop that may seem completely forgettable at first listen but will indeed burrow deep down into your brain. It digs in.

Far superior to what many 80s bands were producing at the dawn of that decade, Martha and the Muffins managed to sound fairly fresh and, unlike many of their contemporaries, hair cuts were kept in relative check. (Yeah, I’m talking to you Kajagoogoo.)

Martha and the Muffins – Metro Music Review

Metro Music is the band’s debut. The cover art, which features a metro map of the city of Toronto, looks more like the ‘70s art rock the band was born from than any brightly-colored 80s pop album, and the songs contained therein are smarter than the dumbed down work of other bands of that era as well. (Yeah, I’m talking to you Kajagoogoo.)

Martha Johnson and Martha Ladly are the two Marthas in the band, but this isn’t Marthas and the Muffins so it is unclear who the main Martha is. Perhaps this is just a bit of cheeky ambiguity. Interestingly, Martha Ladly plays trombone which is cool because I played that instrument throughout that decade as well. Granted it was in junior high and high school band, but still, we have that connection and that’s awesome. It is also worth noting that the saxophone playing employed on this record is pretty non-obnoxious which is always appreciated.

The leadoff track, “Echo Beach,” was the hit, which is fine and all, but it is hardly the best offering on the record, or even the best on side A. “Paint by Number Heart” reminds me of Devo’s “Planet Earth” for a reason I can’t quite put my finger on. It has a great bass line and choppy guitar. “Saigon” is a cool tune with call-and-response keyboard riffs. “Indecision” sounds like the Athens band Pylon with just a tatch more emotion. “Hide and Seek” has some great bass as well.

Martha & The Muffins was a smart band who played top-notch pop rock that was leaner, meaner, and more clever than many of the detritus that littered the musical landscape throughout the ‘80s. It still holds up. Bake some for yourself today. — Chris Auman

The following Thompson Twins  – In to the Gap album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

About six years ago, before moving for the second time in less than nine months, I gave away a good portion of my collection of ‘80s pop records: Culture Club, Thompson Twins, Altered States, et al. I was thankful for not having to schlep a few more boxes, but after I was moved into my new place, I regretted the decision. Even if I never listened to any of those records again, it was somewhat comforting just to own them. The ‘80s dayglo colors of record covers like Into The Gap, Culture Club’s Colour By Numbers, and Cyndi Lauper’s She’s So Unusual—I mean, the future was so bright, we had to wear shades, for god’s sake! (That’s what Timbuk 3 advised anyway.) Nowadays, the future is not so bright and shiny.

Since that time, I have determined that much of my record-buying present and future will be involved in reclaiming my record-owning past. Which brings me to a recent record store discovery, the aforementioned Into The Gap.

Thompson Twins – Into the Gap – Album Review

Into the Gap was Thompson Twin’s 1984 chart-topper. What the three twins produced in this release is a great pop record by any decade’s standards. It didn’t hurt that they had, not only a firm grasp on ‘80s fashion but the means to capitalize on it. They did it so well, in fact, that their many detractors thought they were simply flash and fluff with no substance. Into the Gap proves those assertions wrong. The record is full of great synth hooks, danceable beats, and soaring vocals backed with great harmonies.

The Thompson Twins had both style and substance by way of good songwriting chops. The album’s two certified hits, “Hold Me Now” and “Doctor! Doctor!” are still radio mainstays but deeper cuts like “The Gap,” “Sisters of Mercy,” and “You Take Me Up” were equally worthy of 80s chart success. Class dismissed!— Chris Auman

If you enjoyed this Thomspon Twins Into the Gap album review be sure to buy a copy of Used Records & Tapes number 1 from the RoosterCow Store!

The following A Flock of Seagulls album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Haircuts aside, A Flock of Seagulls is an underrated band. Wait, hold on a minute, I know what you’re thinking (or shouting loudly): “Are you out of your ever-loving mind?” Perhaps, but please hear me out. Haircuts and pop culture references aside, what do you really know about A Flock of Seagulls?

Let’s review. You may remember the relentless heavy rotation of the “I Ran” video in MTV’s infancy when the budding network didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of videos to choose from. You are no doubt familiar with the ad-lib made by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction: “You, Flock of Seagulls, you know why we’re here?” You may have even seen the Bands Reunited episode on VH1 in 2004 which sought to reassemble the original flock.

A Flock of Seagulls Album Review

But haircuts, pop culture references, and VH1 TV shows aside, what do you really know about A Flock of Seagulls? I mean really know about them?

That’s what I thought. Now, I am not here to educate anyone on the career of these synthy Liverpudlians. My only point is that they are actually an underrated group and not so deserving of the joke band status that has been tossed to them like so many crumbs on the pier.

Their 1982 self-titled debut album, Flock of Seagulls is actually, surprisingly enjoyable. Paul Reynolds is an ace guitar player and the ten songs on this record are catchy, danceable pop tunes that stand right up with some of the best of that genre at that time.

I Ran So Far Away

The album’s opener is the straight-up hit “I Ran”, sometimes listed as “I Ran (So Far Away)”, but there are deeper cuts. “Space Age Love Song” has a simple beat, sparse guitar, and occasional video-game synth blasts. “Modern Love is Automatic” has a great guitar line reminiscent of Magazine (another often-overlooked band).

“Telecommunication” likewise is a great pop song in a time when the word ‘telecommunication’ had a somewhat futuristic ring to it. The bouncy pop of the instrumental “D.N.A.” is rather infectious and “Messages” features a propulsive bass line and a one-word chorus that bears repeating.

The album isn’t completely without fluff. “You Can Run” sounds like a weak Gary Numan track sung by a less confident Howard Devoto.

A Flock of Seagulls & The Alien Invasion via TV

Interestingly, allegedly, the record is a concept album concerning the invasion of an alien species through television sets or some such rubbish as that.

Anyway, now that I have totally convinced you that A Flock of Seagulls is an underrated band, go buy this record in whatever futuristic format suits your fancy. You won’t be disappointed (not a guarantee).

Thank you for reading this A Flock of Seagulls album review. You can go home now!

Do you know proper phone etiquette, young person? Back in the old days, the whole entire point of a phone was something to blab into while another person blabbed back on the other end.

Nowadays, phones are used to do so many more completely annoying things like sexting and doing the socials.

Despite these modern “improvements”, it never hurts to brush up on phone etiquette. So, don’t be rude, read Bastige Von Curr’s tips on Proper Phone Etiquette.

(Originally published in Reglar Wiglar zine)

Receiving a Wrong Number Call

When receiving a wrong number phone call, it is important to hang up immediately on the other person.

The instant you determine that the call was made in error, whether by the foreign-sounding accent of the caller or the fact that they’re asking for Joe and your name is Janet (or in my case Bastige Von Curr), you should angrily slam the receiver down and end that bullshit right there.

It should enrage you that someone could be so stupid as to mis-dial or get an incorrect number from a third party.

Of course, hanging up immediately before determining the cause of the error will many times force the person to call back to make sure they haven’t just dialed incorrectly.

This is your opportunity to get further enraged and hang up on this idiot a second and hopefully final time as they will have really gotten the message this time.

Dialing a Wrong Number

As soon as you’ve determined that you’ve dialed the wrong number because the schmuck on the other line is obviously not your buddy, Chet, hang up immediately.

You don’t need to apologize to some a-hole just because you made a mistake, and there’s no need to verify the number to make sure you have the correct one either. F ’em.

You can always redial, and if you get the same idiot again you can simply slam the phone down on them a second time. What are they gonna do, cry?

Phone Etiquette for Ordering Takeout

When ordering takeout from a restaurant, it’s really not necessary to take a look at the menu before you call in your order. There will be plenty of time to decide what you want once you’re on the phone.

This is especially important when you are ordering for a large group of people. The stooge taking your phone order is more than likely a big loser with nothing better to do than to spend ten minutes on the phone with you while you and your obnoxious buddies figure out what you want.

And if you don’t have a menu from that particular restaurant, no problem. The poor schmuck will be happy to describe every entree on the menu in great detail. Feel free to ask what their favorite dish is as well as what the most popular menu items are, how they’re prepared, with what ingredients, etc, etc, etc.

Get a quick rundown on the price of each menu item as well. You are entitled to as much information as you demand. Ask how long your order will take. If they say twenty minutes, arrive at the restaurant in five and act all put out and impatient.

Say something really clever like, “What are they killing the cow back there?” The restaurant drones will think that this is funny as they will have never heard that joke before. Don’t tip them either. They make plenty of money, believe me.

Ordering Delivery

When ordering food for delivery, don’t worry about having your credit card ready. Is it upstairs in your other purse? Is it out in the car? That’s ok, go get it, they’ll wait, after all, they want your business. It doesn’t matter that they may be busy. Take your time.

See previous section for Bastige Von Curr’s Tips for Ordering Take Out, then apply the following techniques for delivery. After you’ve finished ordering, but before they have a chance to give you the total, ask for the total.

Act all surprised at the price. Ask for a break down then tell them you still don’t see how that adds up to the price they’ve given you. Take your time, let the information sink in. “Ahhh, the tax, I forgot about the tax!!! Because there are taxes on everything these days. HAHAHAHA!!!”

If they tell you that your delivery will be about an hour, repeat that back in a shocked voice, “An hour!?” It’s just an estimate of course, and there’s no way they can tell you exactly when it will arrive, but tell them that if they could get it there sooner, you’d appreciate it.

They may have said an hour, but don’t bother looking at your watch to see when you called. Listen to your stomach instead. If your fat gut tells you your pizza should have arrived by now, don’t hesitate to call up the restaurant and demand to know where your food is. Be a dick about it and demand to know exactly where the driver is and the exact minute he or she will arrive.

What? They don’t have a GPS tracking device on your 12-dollar-bag of take-out? They’re not tracking your meatball sandwich with a satellite? A-holes! Demand a discount.

Now You Know Proper Phone Etiquette. You’re Welcome!

Thank you for reading. Please keep in mind that the views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they would since we are the ones publishing them, but you know, we gotta say they’re not for some reason. At least that’s what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.

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The Reglar Wiglar caught up with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago where he shared his feelings about one of his favorite bands, Metallica.

This review was originally published in Reglar Wiglar #28 available from the RoosterCow Store.

(Read Donald Trumps take on the American hardcore band Black Flag.)

Donald Trump Reviews Metallica: Overview

Just some terrific riffs on this record. Very, very heavy. Cliff Burton was a really, really nice guy — he looked like a total loser, but really, really nice. Great singing from James too. Really good. Look at the band photo on this album. These guys are kids. Look at all those zits. Jeez. I never had bad skin. I was really, really lucky. Always good with the ladies. I wasn’t a loser like these guys.

Hit the Lights

Really great guitar solo from Kurt on this one. Kurt Hammett, I mean, his hair in ’83… is it Kurt or Kirk? It’s Kirk. That’s what I thought. He looks like one of Melania’s poodles with that hair. Completely ridiculous, but a really great solo. Really, really terrific.

The Four Horsemen

I don’t know what this song means. Four Horsemen? But it’s really, really terrific. These guys went on to make a lot of money. A lot of money. Not as much as me, but a lot of money. Motorbreath I’ve never had motorbreath. I don’t know what it is. Maybe Dee Snider can tell you, I don’t know. I’m kidding. Dee is great.

Jump in the Fire

When you’re in business, you have to jump in the fire, right? I know I’ve jumped in the fire. I know George has jumped in the fire. Terrific vocals. Really, really good.

(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth

Is there no singing on this? Not a very good business decision, no vocals. Not very, very smart. I would never do a song with no vocals, but I don’t know, maybe they knew what they were doing. Is this just a bass solo? No, wait, there’s some drums. Lars, now that guy gets it. That Napster thing, suing fans? That’s smart business. Whiplash I can’t bang my head like these guys. If Ivanka ever dated one of these heavy metal guys, I don’t know. I’d be very, very upset, but she wouldn’t do that, because she’s smart.

Phantom Lord

I don’t know what that is, Phantom Lord? Is that a Lord of the Rings thing? Like Hobbits? I don’t know. I never read those books. Some people like them. George likes them, but I don’t know. Not my thing.

No Remorse

In business, you have to have no remorse. You can’t have remorse. I can relate to this. I am very, very good at business. I make deals worth millions of dollars and you can’t have remorse. I love this song.

Seek & Destroy

Seek and destroy is what you have to do in business. I’ve seeked and destroyed my opponents in business. I have made a lot of money making really, really good business decisions. Seek and destroy. I kinda like that.

Metal Militia

I don’t know about metal militia. Militias are protected in the Constitution, I believe. Metal militias, I don’t know. Sounds like something Obama would like. Doesn’t sound American to me.

Thank you for reading Donald Trump Reviews Metallica! Read more reviews here.