Chris Auman’s Blog

The Police Synchronicity Review

The Police Synchronicity album cover drawing

The following The Police Synchronicity review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

The Police Synchronicity Review

The fifth studio album from The Police was a monster seller in all formats. Synchronicity, (pretentiously titled after a book that name-checks a term coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung) turned these three blondes from superstars into superduper stars.

The synchronicity concept—whereby two seemingly unrelated events occur simultaneously for some purpose—seemed to be a theme connecting the songs on this album. I guess. Maybe not. Ask Sting. The only evidence of this theory seems to be the two pretentiously-titled tracks “Synchronicity I” and “Synchronicity II”.

In keeping with the theme as well, I suppose, are the two seemingly unrelated events of Copeland’s “Miss Gradenko” and Summer’s almost-unlistenable “Mother,” both lumped together on side A along with songs about dinosaurs, God, and biscuit-taking, and the aforementioned “Synchronicitys.” The B-side delivers the goods though, giving us no less than three hit songs as well as a song about desert

tea drinking.

Biggest Band in the World

Synchronicity would become The Police’s biggest-selling album and their last. What do you expect? These guys were on a nonstop, whirlwind touring and recording schedule and the end was bound to come. Allegedly, Copeland and Sting came to blows during the recording. Copeland obviously didn’t punch Sting hard enough because he was able to carry on and release such pretentiously-titled future albums like The Dream of the Blue Turtles and Nothing Like the Sun as he became a world music and tantric dork.

While this fact should make them want to give up writing and actually try to enjoy music like most humans, nothing will deter them from trying to kill everyone’s buzz one band at a time. (Vampire Weekend is a recent example of how this pointless argument resurfaces every few years.) They must have been relieved then when Sting opted to forgo the reggae and island rhythms of records past in favor of the more experimental approach of throwing horns at everything.

Best Album of the ’80s?

The question is whether Synchronicity deserves a place on such a high pedestal. Maybe yes, but mainly for the cultural impact it had on us back then. I will say, that I was down with the Synchro in 7th grade like I was down with Thriller and Business as Usual. I rolled with the trends back then.

A lot of critics (aka nerds) like to get bunched undies when bands featuring mostly white people incorporate different styles of the music of nonwhite people into their own. This of course ignores the fact that very little music played on this planet in the ‘80s or today was created in a vacuum and the origin of rock music, should they take the time to remember, was a multicultural hodgepodge of country and blues.

Listening to this record many decades later, however, and after becoming a fan of earlier Police records like the pretentiously titled Outlandos d’Amour and Reggatta de Blanc, this record is certainly not as exciting as those first efforts. Sure, it delivered the hits in spades, but it’s a dark record and kind of a bummer to listen to and nobody wants to spend that much time in Sting’s head, not even Sting.

I hope you enjoyed reading The Police Synchronicity album review! If you like ’80s music, check out my review of The Cars debut album. You can also buy yourself a copy of Used Records & Tapes zine. —Chris Auman

Martha and the Muffins Metro Music Review

The following Martha and the Muffins Metro Music album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Martha and The Muffins weren’t chart toppers. They weren’t MTV darlings like The Police, A Flock of Seagulls, or Men at Work, etc., but this Toronto outfit played an infectious blend of new wavy pop that may seem completely forgettable at first listen but will indeed burrow deep down into your brain. It digs in.

Far superior to what many 80s bands were producing at the dawn of that decade, Martha and the Muffins managed to sound fairly fresh and, unlike many of their contemporaries, hair cuts were kept in relative check. (Yeah, I’m talking to you Kajagoogoo.)

Martha and the Muffins – Metro Music Review

Metro Music is the band’s debut. The cover art, which features a metro map of the city of Toronto, looks more like the ‘70s art rock the band was born from than any brightly-colored 80s pop album, and the songs contained therein are smarter than the dumbed down work of other bands of that era as well. (Yeah, I’m talking to you Kajagoogoo.)

Martha Johnson and Martha Ladly are the two Marthas in the band, but this isn’t Marthas and the Muffins so it is unclear who the main Martha is. Perhaps this is just a bit of cheeky ambiguity. Interestingly, Martha Ladly plays trombone which is cool because I played that instrument throughout that decade as well. Granted it was in junior high and high school band, but still, we have that connection and that’s awesome. It is also worth noting that the saxophone playing employed on this record is pretty non-obnoxious which is always appreciated.

Echo Beach

The leadoff track, “Echo Beach,” was the hit, which is fine and all, but it is hardly the best offering on the record, or even the best on side A. “Paint by Number Heart” reminds me of Devo’s “Planet Earth” for a reason I can’t quite put my finger on. It has a great bass line and choppy guitar. “Saigon” is a cool tune with call-and-response keyboard riffs. “Indecision” sounds like the Athens band Pylon with just a tatch more emotion. “Hide and Seek” has some great bass as well.

Martha & The Muffins was a smart band who played top-notch pop rock that was leaner, meaner, and more clever than many of the detritus that littered the musical landscape throughout the ‘80s. It still holds up. Bake some for yourself today. — Chris Auman

Thompson Twins Into the Gap Review

The following Thompson Twins – In to the Gap album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

About six years ago, before moving for the second time in less than nine months, I gave away a good portion of my collection of ‘80s pop records: Culture Club, Thompson Twins, Altered States, et al. I was thankful for not having to schlep a few more boxes, but after I was moved into my new place, I regretted the decision. Even if I never listened to any of those records again, it was somewhat comforting just to own them. The ‘80s dayglo colors of record covers like Into The Gap, Culture Club’s Colour By Numbers, and Cyndi Lauper’s She’s So Unusual—I mean, the future was so bright, we had to wear shades, for god’s sake! (That’s what Timbuk 3 advised anyway.) Nowadays, the future is not so bright and shiny.

Since that time, I have determined that much of my record-buying present and future will be involved in reclaiming my record-owning past. Which brings me to a recent record store discovery, the aforementioned Into The Gap.

Thompson Twins – Into the Gap – Album Review

Into the Gap was Thompson Twin’s 1984 chart-topper. What the three twins produced in this release is a great pop record by any decade’s standards. It didn’t hurt that they had, not only a firm grasp on ‘80s fashion but the means to capitalize on it. They did it so well, in fact, that their many detractors thought they were simply flash and fluff with no substance. Into the Gap proves those assertions wrong. The record is full of great synth hooks, danceable beats, and soaring vocals backed with great harmonies.

The Thompson Twins had both style and substance by way of good songwriting chops. The album’s two certified hits, “Hold Me Now” and “Doctor! Doctor!” are still radio mainstays but deeper cuts like “The Gap,” “Sisters of Mercy,” and “You Take Me Up” were equally worthy of 80s chart success. Class dismissed!— Chris Auman

If you enjoyed this Thomspon Twins Into the Gap album review. Shop for the Used Records & Tapes zine in my online shop! Read album reviews by other 80s band, The Cars, The Police, and Martha & The Muffins.

A Flock of Seagulls Review

A Flock of Seagulls album review drawing

The following A Flock of Seagulls album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Haircuts aside, A Flock of Seagulls is an underrated band. Wait, hold on a minute, I know what you’re thinking (or shouting loudly): “Are you out of your ever-loving mind?” Perhaps, but please hear me out. Haircuts and pop culture references aside, what do you really know about A Flock of Seagulls?

Let’s review. You may remember the relentless heavy rotation of the “I Ran” video in MTV’s infancy when the budding network didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of videos to choose from. You are no doubt familiar with the ad-lib made by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction: “You, Flock of Seagulls, you know why we’re here?” You may have even seen the Bands Reunited episode on VH1 in 2004 which sought to reassemble the original flock.

A Flock of Seagulls Album Review

But haircuts, pop culture references, and VH1 TV shows aside, what do you really know about A Flock of Seagulls? I mean really know about them?

That’s what I thought. Now, I am not here to educate anyone on the career of these synthy Liverpudlians. My only point is that they are actually an underrated group and not so deserving of the joke band status that has been tossed to them like so many crumbs on the pier.

Their 1982 self-titled debut album, Flock of Seagulls is actually, surprisingly enjoyable. Paul Reynolds is an ace guitar player and the ten songs on this record are catchy, danceable pop tunes that stand right up with some of the best of that genre at that time.

A Flock of Seagulls album review cover drawing — A Flock of Seagulls is a concept album about an alien invasion via the telly.

I Ran So Far Away

The album’s opener is the straight-up hit “I Ran”, sometimes listed as “I Ran (So Far Away)”, but there are deeper cuts. “Space Age Love Song” has a simple beat, sparse guitar, and occasional video-game synth blasts. “Modern Love is Automatic” has a great guitar line reminiscent of Magazine (another often-overlooked band).

“Telecommunication” likewise is a great pop song in a time when the word ‘telecommunication’ had a somewhat futuristic ring to it. The bouncy pop of the instrumental “D.N.A.” is rather infectious and “Messages” features a propulsive bass line and a one-word chorus that bears repeating.

The album isn’t completely without fluff. “You Can Run” sounds like a weak Gary Numan track sung by a less confident Howard Devoto.

A Flock of Seagulls & The Alien Invasion via TV

Interestingly, allegedly, the record is a concept album concerning the invasion of an alien species through television sets or some such rubbish as that.

Anyway, now that I have totally convinced you that A Flock of Seagulls is an underrated band, go buy this record in whatever futuristic format suits your fancy. You won’t be disappointed (not a guarantee).

Thank you for reading this A Flock of Seagulls album review. The Cars, The Police, and Martha & The Muffins. Buy a copy of Used Records and Tapes zine from my online shop!

Phone Etiquette Tips

Do you know proper phone etiquette, young person? Back in the old days, the whole entire point of a phone was something to blab into while another person blabbed back on the other end.

Nowadays, phones are used to do so many more completely annoying things like sexting and doing the socials.

Despite these modern “improvements”, it never hurts to brush up on phone etiquette. So, don’t be rude, read Bastige Von Curr’s tips on Proper Phone Etiquette.

(Originally published in Reglar Wiglar zine)

Receiving a Wrong Number Call

When receiving a wrong number phone call, it is important to hang up immediately on the other person.

The instant you determine that the call was made in error, whether by the foreign-sounding accent of the caller or the fact that they’re asking for Joe and your name is Janet (or in my case Bastige Von Curr), you should angrily slam the receiver down and end that bullshit right there.

It should enrage you that someone could be so stupid as to mis-dial or get an incorrect number from a third party.

Of course, hanging up immediately before determining the cause of the error will many times force the person to call back to make sure they haven’t just dialed incorrectly.

This is your opportunity to get further enraged and hang up on this idiot a second and hopefully final time as they will have really gotten the message this time.

Dialing a Wrong Number

As soon as you’ve determined that you’ve dialed the wrong number because the schmuck on the other line is obviously not your buddy, Chet, hang up immediately.

You don’t need to apologize to some a-hole just because you made a mistake, and there’s no need to verify the number to make sure you have the correct one either. F ’em.

You can always redial, and if you get the same idiot again you can simply slam the phone down on them a second time. What are they gonna do, cry?

Phone Etiquette for Ordering Takeout

When ordering takeout from a restaurant, it’s really not necessary to take a look at the menu before you call in your order. There will be plenty of time to decide what you want once you’re on the phone.

This is especially important when you are ordering for a large group of people. The stooge taking your phone order is more than likely a big loser with nothing better to do than to spend ten minutes on the phone with you while you and your obnoxious buddies figure out what you want.

And if you don’t have a menu from that particular restaurant, no problem. The poor schmuck will be happy to describe every entree on the menu in great detail. Feel free to ask what their favorite dish is as well as what the most popular menu items are, how they’re prepared, with what ingredients, etc, etc, etc.

Get a quick rundown on the price of each menu item as well. You are entitled to as much information as you demand. Ask how long your order will take. If they say twenty minutes, arrive at the restaurant in five and act all put out and impatient.

Say something really clever like, “What are they killing the cow back there?” The restaurant drones will think that this is funny as they will have never heard that joke before. Don’t tip them either. They make plenty of money, believe me.

Ordering Delivery

When ordering food for delivery, don’t worry about having your credit card ready. Is it upstairs in your other purse? Is it out in the car? That’s ok, go get it, they’ll wait, after all, they want your business. It doesn’t matter that they may be busy. Take your time.

See previous section for Bastige Von Curr’s Tips for Ordering Take Out, then apply the following techniques for delivery. After you’ve finished ordering, but before they have a chance to give you the total, ask for the total.

Act all surprised at the price. Ask for a break down then tell them you still don’t see how that adds up to the price they’ve given you. Take your time, let the information sink in. “Ahhh, the tax, I forgot about the tax!!! Because there are taxes on everything these days. HAHAHAHA!!!”

If they tell you that your delivery will be about an hour, repeat that back in a shocked voice, “An hour!?” It’s just an estimate of course, and there’s no way they can tell you exactly when it will arrive, but tell them that if they could get it there sooner, you’d appreciate it.

They may have said an hour, but don’t bother looking at your watch to see when you called. Listen to your stomach instead. If your fat gut tells you your pizza should have arrived by now, don’t hesitate to call up the restaurant and demand to know where your food is. Be a dick about it and demand to know exactly where the driver is and the exact minute he or she will arrive.

What? They don’t have a GPS tracking device on your 12-dollar-bag of take-out? They’re not tracking your meatball sandwich with a satellite? A-holes! Demand a discount.

Now You Know Proper Phone Etiquette. You’re Welcome!

Thank you for reading. Please keep in mind that the views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they would since we are the ones publishing them, but you know, we gotta say they’re not for some reason. At least that’s what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.

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