Chris Auman’s Blog

A Flock of Seagulls Review

A Flock of Seagulls album review drawing

The following A Flock of Seagulls album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Haircuts aside, A Flock of Seagulls is an underrated band. Wait, hold on a minute, I know what you’re thinking (or shouting loudly): “Are you out of your ever-loving mind?” Perhaps, but please hear me out. Haircuts and pop culture references aside, what do you really know about A Flock of Seagulls?

Let’s review. You may remember the relentless heavy rotation of the “I Ran” video in MTV’s infancy when the budding network didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of videos to choose from. You are no doubt familiar with the ad-lib made by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction: “You, Flock of Seagulls, you know why we’re here?” You may have even seen the Bands Reunited episode on VH1 in 2004 which sought to reassemble the original flock.

A Flock of Seagulls Album Review

But haircuts, pop culture references, and VH1 TV shows aside, what do you really know about A Flock of Seagulls? I mean really know about them?

That’s what I thought. Now, I am not here to educate anyone on the career of these synthy Liverpudlians. My only point is that they are actually an underrated group and not so deserving of the joke band status that has been tossed to them like so many crumbs on the pier.

Their 1982 self-titled debut album, Flock of Seagulls is actually, surprisingly enjoyable. Paul Reynolds is an ace guitar player and the ten songs on this record are catchy, danceable pop tunes that stand right up with some of the best of that genre at that time.

A Flock of Seagulls album review cover drawing — A Flock of Seagulls is a concept album about an alien invasion via the telly.

I Ran So Far Away

The album’s opener is the straight-up hit “I Ran”, sometimes listed as “I Ran (So Far Away)”, but there are deeper cuts. “Space Age Love Song” has a simple beat, sparse guitar, and occasional video-game synth blasts. “Modern Love is Automatic” has a great guitar line reminiscent of Magazine (another often-overlooked band).

“Telecommunication” likewise is a great pop song in a time when the word ‘telecommunication’ had a somewhat futuristic ring to it. The bouncy pop of the instrumental “D.N.A.” is rather infectious and “Messages” features a propulsive bass line and a one-word chorus that bears repeating.

The album isn’t completely without fluff. “You Can Run” sounds like a weak Gary Numan track sung by a less confident Howard Devoto.

A Flock of Seagulls & The Alien Invasion via TV

Interestingly, allegedly, the record is a concept album concerning the invasion of an alien species through television sets or some such rubbish as that.

Anyway, now that I have totally convinced you that A Flock of Seagulls is an underrated band, go buy this record in whatever futuristic format suits your fancy. You won’t be disappointed (not a guarantee).

Thank you for reading this A Flock of Seagulls album review. The Cars, The Police, and Martha & The Muffins. Buy a copy of Used Records and Tapes zine from my online shop!

Phone Etiquette Tips

Do you know proper phone etiquette, young person? Back in the old days, the whole entire point of a phone was something to blab into while another person blabbed back on the other end.

Nowadays, phones are used to do so many more completely annoying things like sexting and doing the socials.

Despite these modern “improvements”, it never hurts to brush up on phone etiquette. So, don’t be rude, read Bastige Von Curr’s tips on Proper Phone Etiquette.

(Originally published in Reglar Wiglar zine)

Receiving a Wrong Number Call

When receiving a wrong number phone call, it is important to hang up immediately on the other person.

The instant you determine that the call was made in error, whether by the foreign-sounding accent of the caller or the fact that they’re asking for Joe and your name is Janet (or in my case Bastige Von Curr), you should angrily slam the receiver down and end that bullshit right there.

It should enrage you that someone could be so stupid as to mis-dial or get an incorrect number from a third party.

Of course, hanging up immediately before determining the cause of the error will many times force the person to call back to make sure they haven’t just dialed incorrectly.

This is your opportunity to get further enraged and hang up on this idiot a second and hopefully final time as they will have really gotten the message this time.

Dialing a Wrong Number

As soon as you’ve determined that you’ve dialed the wrong number because the schmuck on the other line is obviously not your buddy, Chet, hang up immediately.

You don’t need to apologize to some a-hole just because you made a mistake, and there’s no need to verify the number to make sure you have the correct one either. F ’em.

You can always redial, and if you get the same idiot again you can simply slam the phone down on them a second time. What are they gonna do, cry?

Phone Etiquette for Ordering Takeout

When ordering takeout from a restaurant, it’s really not necessary to take a look at the menu before you call in your order. There will be plenty of time to decide what you want once you’re on the phone.

This is especially important when you are ordering for a large group of people. The stooge taking your phone order is more than likely a big loser with nothing better to do than to spend ten minutes on the phone with you while you and your obnoxious buddies figure out what you want.

And if you don’t have a menu from that particular restaurant, no problem. The poor schmuck will be happy to describe every entree on the menu in great detail. Feel free to ask what their favorite dish is as well as what the most popular menu items are, how they’re prepared, with what ingredients, etc, etc, etc.

Get a quick rundown on the price of each menu item as well. You are entitled to as much information as you demand. Ask how long your order will take. If they say twenty minutes, arrive at the restaurant in five and act all put out and impatient.

Say something really clever like, “What are they killing the cow back there?” The restaurant drones will think that this is funny as they will have never heard that joke before. Don’t tip them either. They make plenty of money, believe me.

Ordering Delivery

When ordering food for delivery, don’t worry about having your credit card ready. Is it upstairs in your other purse? Is it out in the car? That’s ok, go get it, they’ll wait, after all, they want your business. It doesn’t matter that they may be busy. Take your time.

See previous section for Bastige Von Curr’s Tips for Ordering Take Out, then apply the following techniques for delivery. After you’ve finished ordering, but before they have a chance to give you the total, ask for the total.

Act all surprised at the price. Ask for a break down then tell them you still don’t see how that adds up to the price they’ve given you. Take your time, let the information sink in. “Ahhh, the tax, I forgot about the tax!!! Because there are taxes on everything these days. HAHAHAHA!!!”

If they tell you that your delivery will be about an hour, repeat that back in a shocked voice, “An hour!?” It’s just an estimate of course, and there’s no way they can tell you exactly when it will arrive, but tell them that if they could get it there sooner, you’d appreciate it.

They may have said an hour, but don’t bother looking at your watch to see when you called. Listen to your stomach instead. If your fat gut tells you your pizza should have arrived by now, don’t hesitate to call up the restaurant and demand to know where your food is. Be a dick about it and demand to know exactly where the driver is and the exact minute he or she will arrive.

What? They don’t have a GPS tracking device on your 12-dollar-bag of take-out? They’re not tracking your meatball sandwich with a satellite? A-holes! Demand a discount.

Now You Know Proper Phone Etiquette. You’re Welcome!

Thank you for reading. Please keep in mind that the views of Bastige Von Curr, as right-on as they may be, do not reflect the views of the Reglar Wiglar, even though you would think they would since we are the ones publishing them, but you know, we gotta say they’re not for some reason. At least that’s what our lawyer, Jim Willy, Jr., Esq, has advised us to say.

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Donald Trump Reviews Metallica

The Reglar Wiglar caught up with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago where he shared his feelings about one of his favorite bands, Metallica.

This review was originally published in Reglar Wiglar #28 available from the my online shop.

(Read Donald Trumps take on the American hardcore band Black Flag.)

Donald Trump Reviews Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All

Just some terrific riffs on this record. Very, very heavy. Cliff Burton was a really, really nice guy — he looked like a total loser, but really, really nice. Great singing from James too. Really good. Look at the band photo on this album. These guys are kids. Look at all those zits. Jeez. I never had bad skin. I was really, really lucky. Always good with the ladies. I wasn’t a loser like these guys.

Hit the Lights

Really great guitar solo from Kurt on this one. Kurt Hammett, I mean, his hair in ’83… is it Kurt or Kirk? It’s Kirk. That’s what I thought. He looks like one of Melania’s poodles with that hair. Completely ridiculous, but a really great solo. Really, really terrific.

The Four Horsemen

I don’t know what this song means. Four Horsemen? But it’s really, really terrific. These guys went on to make a lot of money. A lot of money. Not as much as me, but a lot of money. Motorbreath I’ve never had motorbreath. I don’t know what it is. Maybe Dee Snider can tell you, I don’t know. I’m kidding. Dee is great.

Jump in the Fire

When you’re in business, you have to jump in the fire, right? I know I’ve jumped in the fire. I know George has jumped in the fire. Terrific vocals. Really, really good.

(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth

Is there no singing on this? Not a very good business decision, no vocals. Not very, very smart. I would never do a song with no vocals, but I don’t know, maybe they knew what they were doing. Is this just a bass solo? No, wait, there’s some drums. Lars, now that guy gets it. That Napster thing, suing fans? That’s smart business. Whiplash I can’t bang my head like these guys. If Ivanka ever dated one of these heavy metal guys, I don’t know. I’d be very, very upset, but she wouldn’t do that, because she’s smart.

Phantom Lord

I don’t know what that is, Phantom Lord? Is that a Lord of the Rings thing? Like Hobbits? I don’t know. I never read those books. Some people like them. George likes them, but I don’t know. Not my thing.

No Remorse

In business, you have to have no remorse. You can’t have remorse. I can relate to this. I am very, very good at business. I make deals worth millions of dollars and you can’t have remorse. I love this song.

Seek & Destroy

Seek and destroy is what you have to do in business. I’ve seeked and destroyed my opponents in business. I have made a lot of money making really, really good business decisions. Seek and destroy. I kinda like that.

Metal Militia

I don’t know about metal militia. Militias are protected in the Constitution, I believe. Metal militias, I don’t know. Sounds like something Obama would like. Doesn’t sound American to me.

Thank you for reading Donald Trump Reviews Metallica! Read more reviews here.

GNR Lies Album Review

The following GNR Lies album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Guns n Roses GNR Lies Album Review

In the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, Guns and Roses was the biggest band in the world. And they weren’t whiney little twits like Billy Corgan either. They were nasty, dirty, drunken, drugged out, impolite rock stars. They could also be clownish buffoons and in Axl’s case, a gigantic, megalomaniac a-hole.

In 1988, however, they were still getting a pass. When GN’R Lies came out in 1988, it sold 10 million copies. That’s pretty good for a bad record.

Perhaps bad is a bit strong, but it certainly was no Appetite for Destruction. And it shouldn’t be treated as a legitimate full-length release either, seeing how it was a cobbled-together placeholder to placate fans and make some dough while GNR toured the world placating fans and making dough.

GNR Lies Side G

The G Side (presumably the Guns side) of GNR Lies features the four tracks that comprised the 1986 EP, Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide.

The sad truth about Live Like a Suicide (we’ll dispense with the ?!*@ from here on out because it’s silly and makes no sense) is that it was NOT recorded live like a suicide. It is, in fact, a studio recording with crowd noise dubbed in. This hardly mattered to fans in 1988 and is awesome now as a testament to how ridiculous GNR could be.

“Reckless Life” and “Nice Boys” are similar hard-driving odes to the degenerate lifestyle espoused by these hard-edged glam rockers. “Move to the City” features a horn section and hits on a theme young Axl would return to countless times: a hick from the sticks moves to the Big City a.k.a. The Jungle.

“This is a song about your f*cking mother” announces Axl at the start of the Steven Tyler-penned tune, “Mama Kin”, which closes out Side G. The fictitious crowd especially enjoys this number. They must be Aerosmith fans—hell, for all we know this crowd noise was taken from an Aerosmith concert! Wouldn’t that be ironical?

GNR Lies Side R

Then there’s the R side (for Roses). This shows that the band can lay it down acoustically (hard rockers with a tender side) as is evidenced on the drippy “Patience”—Axl at his cartoonish best.

Things turn ugly (or hilarious depending on your perspective on murder) with “Used to Love Her”—not the first murder ballad ever written but certainly guaranteed to cause controversy.

The third track is a pointless, acoustic version of “You’re Crazy” from the Appetite record and then the coup de grace: “One in a Million.” Axl lets his red neck shine brightly on a return to the hick-in-the-city theme. In this piece, Axl calls out “immigrants and f****ts” for not making sense to him, what with the different languages and all. “It’s all Greek to me,” Axl observes with a bit of ironic wit not seen in a GNR song since “Turn around bitch I got a use for you” on “It’s So Easy” in ‘87. Axl also advises “police and n****rs” to get away from him as he will not be needing any gold chains at this point in time.

For complete lyrics to this tune, maybe you could ask John Rocker. I’m sure he has them burned into his frontal lobe if not tattooed on his ass.

Never Trust Rolling Stone

Rolling Stone gave GNR Lies four out of five stars in their 1989 review, citing the release as proof of GNR’s sustainability and calling ‘One In a Million’ a “beautiful ballad” with Axl’s homophobic and anti-immigrant spiel “tempered with something that sounds oddly like compassion.”

Yes, Axl Rose may be a complete tool, but Rolling Stone built the toolbox.—Chris Auman

The GNR Lies review was originally published in Used Records and Tapes #1. While that particular issue is out of print, others are available in my online shop.

Thank you for reading this GNR Lies album review.

Grunge Masters

These grunge record reviews were originally published in Used Records and Tapes no. 4 (RoosterCow Press)

I am cheating a bit here with these reviews. Not really cheating, but at the very least, I am stretching the definition of “used.” Or maybe I’m opting for another definition altogether—used as in “utilized.” Regardless, these records have definitely been well used over the years, and I discovered, quite by accident, that all three of these albums are still available on cassette. As an aging Gen Xer and a fan of the format, I had to have them.

Grunge Record Reviews

All three of these Sub Pop releases take me back to the late ‘80s, which coincided with my late teenage years. Listening to them will always shuttle my brain back to the dorms of DePaul University, back when grunge was just starting to bubble up in the Pacific Northwest and flood the world. As older folks must preface nearly every sentence when younger people are within earshot, this was before the internet. And before cell phones and before IPAs were a thing too. Back when this music was new even if its influences were not.

Mudhoney

Superfuzz Bigmuff [Sub Pop] 1988

Superfuzz Bigmuff couldn’t be better named because the effects pedals for which it is named are themselves so aptly named. This six-song EP is a snarly combination of cheese-grater vocals and scuzzed-out guitars. A multi-sensory version of this release would smell like beer and taste like bongwater but also vice versa. With classic songs such as “Touch Me I’m Sick,” “Sweet Young Thing Ain’t Sweet No More,” and “In ‘n’ Out of Grace,” this album helped set the template for a genre that didn’t even know it existed yet. Superfuzz Bigmuff sounds just as nasty and glorious today as it did back in the day.

Nirvana

Bleach [Sub Pop] 1989

Nirvana’s debut album, Bleach, was a life changer for a lot of folks when it dropped at the ass-end of the ‘80s, myself included. I spent my last eight bucks on this record over Christmas break the year of its release because I was stuck in the dorm without a copy. It’s hard to believe I could buy this album but was not yet legally able to buy beer, because it is a potent brew of depressive dirges, punk attitude, and a “don’t-give-a-fuck-bout-nuthin” slacker ethos. The album, famously recorded for $606.17, sold 40,000 copies between its release and the band’s major label debut two years later. That’s kind of astronomical for an underground band, but nowhere close to the nearly 2 million copies it would sell in a post-Nevermind world. Every song is a stoner burnout classic and it sounds great on cassette too, because why wouldn’t it?

Soundgarden

Screaming Life/Fopp EP [Sub Pop] 1990

To complete this sacred trilogy of grunge, I submit to you Screaming Life/Fopp. This EP, released in 1990, is a comp. featuring two of the band’s EPs from the late ‘80s. It’s metal in slow-mo with Sabbath-paced songs and a cleaner sound than that of most of Soundgarden’s fellow grunge bands. Either way, it’s as heavy as the best of them and, as the Chris Cornell photo on the cover attests, hair was also on proud display. The menace of “Hunted Down,” the band’s first single, and its b-side “Nothing to Say” are tense and menacing. I was always partial to “Little Joe” and its line “Go to where the reptiles roam. They’re waiting for you, Little Joe,” (probably due to the reptile reference) and if a grunge band wants to cover a funky Ohio Players tune like “Fopp,” more power to ‘em.

If you enjoyed reading these Grunge Masters cassette reviews, you should order a copy of Used Records and Tapes!