Chris Auman’s Blog

Donald Trump Reviews Metallica

The Reglar Wiglar caught up with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago where he shared his feelings about one of his favorite bands, Metallica.

This review was originally published in Reglar Wiglar #28 available from the my online shop.

(Read Donald Trumps take on the American hardcore band Black Flag.)

Donald Trump Reviews Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All

Just some terrific riffs on this record. Very, very heavy. Cliff Burton was a really, really nice guy — he looked like a total loser, but really, really nice. Great singing from James too. Really good. Look at the band photo on this album. These guys are kids. Look at all those zits. Jeez. I never had bad skin. I was really, really lucky. Always good with the ladies. I wasn’t a loser like these guys.

Hit the Lights

Really great guitar solo from Kurt on this one. Kurt Hammett, I mean, his hair in ’83… is it Kurt or Kirk? It’s Kirk. That’s what I thought. He looks like one of Melania’s poodles with that hair. Completely ridiculous, but a really great solo. Really, really terrific.

The Four Horsemen

I don’t know what this song means. Four Horsemen? But it’s really, really terrific. These guys went on to make a lot of money. A lot of money. Not as much as me, but a lot of money. Motorbreath I’ve never had motorbreath. I don’t know what it is. Maybe Dee Snider can tell you, I don’t know. I’m kidding. Dee is great.

Jump in the Fire

When you’re in business, you have to jump in the fire, right? I know I’ve jumped in the fire. I know George has jumped in the fire. Terrific vocals. Really, really good.

(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth

Is there no singing on this? Not a very good business decision, no vocals. Not very, very smart. I would never do a song with no vocals, but I don’t know, maybe they knew what they were doing. Is this just a bass solo? No, wait, there’s some drums. Lars, now that guy gets it. That Napster thing, suing fans? That’s smart business. Whiplash I can’t bang my head like these guys. If Ivanka ever dated one of these heavy metal guys, I don’t know. I’d be very, very upset, but she wouldn’t do that, because she’s smart.

Phantom Lord

I don’t know what that is, Phantom Lord? Is that a Lord of the Rings thing? Like Hobbits? I don’t know. I never read those books. Some people like them. George likes them, but I don’t know. Not my thing.

No Remorse

In business, you have to have no remorse. You can’t have remorse. I can relate to this. I am very, very good at business. I make deals worth millions of dollars and you can’t have remorse. I love this song.

Seek & Destroy

Seek and destroy is what you have to do in business. I’ve seeked and destroyed my opponents in business. I have made a lot of money making really, really good business decisions. Seek and destroy. I kinda like that.

Metal Militia

I don’t know about metal militia. Militias are protected in the Constitution, I believe. Metal militias, I don’t know. Sounds like something Obama would like. Doesn’t sound American to me.

Thank you for reading Donald Trump Reviews Metallica! Read more reviews here.

GNR Lies Album Review

The following GNR Lies album review was published in Used Records & Tapes #1 [RoosterCow Press]

Guns n Roses GNR Lies Album Review

In the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, Guns and Roses was the biggest band in the world. And they weren’t whiney little twits like Billy Corgan either. They were nasty, dirty, drunken, drugged out, impolite rock stars. They could also be clownish buffoons and in Axl’s case, a gigantic, megalomaniac a-hole.

In 1988, however, they were still getting a pass. When GN’R Lies came out in 1988, it sold 10 million copies. That’s pretty good for a bad record.

Perhaps bad is a bit strong, but it certainly was no Appetite for Destruction. And it shouldn’t be treated as a legitimate full-length release either, seeing how it was a cobbled-together placeholder to placate fans and make some dough while GNR toured the world placating fans and making dough.

GNR Lies Side G

The G Side (presumably the Guns side) of GNR Lies features the four tracks that comprised the 1986 EP, Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide.

The sad truth about Live Like a Suicide (we’ll dispense with the ?!*@ from here on out because it’s silly and makes no sense) is that it was NOT recorded live like a suicide. It is, in fact, a studio recording with crowd noise dubbed in. This hardly mattered to fans in 1988 and is awesome now as a testament to how ridiculous GNR could be.

“Reckless Life” and “Nice Boys” are similar hard-driving odes to the degenerate lifestyle espoused by these hard-edged glam rockers. “Move to the City” features a horn section and hits on a theme young Axl would return to countless times: a hick from the sticks moves to the Big City a.k.a. The Jungle.

“This is a song about your f*cking mother” announces Axl at the start of the Steven Tyler-penned tune, “Mama Kin”, which closes out Side G. The fictitious crowd especially enjoys this number. They must be Aerosmith fans—hell, for all we know this crowd noise was taken from an Aerosmith concert! Wouldn’t that be ironical?

GNR Lies Side R

Then there’s the R side (for Roses). This shows that the band can lay it down acoustically (hard rockers with a tender side) as is evidenced on the drippy “Patience”—Axl at his cartoonish best.

Things turn ugly (or hilarious depending on your perspective on murder) with “Used to Love Her”—not the first murder ballad ever written but certainly guaranteed to cause controversy.

The third track is a pointless, acoustic version of “You’re Crazy” from the Appetite record and then the coup de grace: “One in a Million.” Axl lets his red neck shine brightly on a return to the hick-in-the-city theme. In this piece, Axl calls out “immigrants and f****ts” for not making sense to him, what with the different languages and all. “It’s all Greek to me,” Axl observes with a bit of ironic wit not seen in a GNR song since “Turn around bitch I got a use for you” on “It’s So Easy” in ‘87. Axl also advises “police and n****rs” to get away from him as he will not be needing any gold chains at this point in time.

For complete lyrics to this tune, maybe you could ask John Rocker. I’m sure he has them burned into his frontal lobe if not tattooed on his ass.

Never Trust Rolling Stone

Rolling Stone gave GNR Lies four out of five stars in their 1989 review, citing the release as proof of GNR’s sustainability and calling ‘One In a Million’ a “beautiful ballad” with Axl’s homophobic and anti-immigrant spiel “tempered with something that sounds oddly like compassion.”

Yes, Axl Rose may be a complete tool, but Rolling Stone built the toolbox.—Chris Auman

The GNR Lies review was originally published in Used Records and Tapes #1. While that particular issue is out of print, others are available in my online shop.

Thank you for reading this GNR Lies album review.

Grunge Masters

These grunge record reviews were originally published in Used Records and Tapes no. 4 (RoosterCow Press)

I am cheating a bit here with these reviews. Not really cheating, but at the very least, I am stretching the definition of “used.” Or maybe I’m opting for another definition altogether—used as in “utilized.” Regardless, these records have definitely been well used over the years, and I discovered, quite by accident, that all three of these albums are still available on cassette. As an aging Gen Xer and a fan of the format, I had to have them.

Grunge Record Reviews

All three of these Sub Pop releases take me back to the late ‘80s, which coincided with my late teenage years. Listening to them will always shuttle my brain back to the dorms of DePaul University, back when grunge was just starting to bubble up in the Pacific Northwest and flood the world. As older folks must preface nearly every sentence when younger people are within earshot, this was before the internet. And before cell phones and before IPAs were a thing too. Back when this music was new even if its influences were not.

Mudhoney

Superfuzz Bigmuff [Sub Pop] 1988

Superfuzz Bigmuff couldn’t be better named because the effects pedals for which it is named are themselves so aptly named. This six-song EP is a snarly combination of cheese-grater vocals and scuzzed-out guitars. A multi-sensory version of this release would smell like beer and taste like bongwater but also vice versa. With classic songs such as “Touch Me I’m Sick,” “Sweet Young Thing Ain’t Sweet No More,” and “In ‘n’ Out of Grace,” this album helped set the template for a genre that didn’t even know it existed yet. Superfuzz Bigmuff sounds just as nasty and glorious today as it did back in the day.

Nirvana

Bleach [Sub Pop] 1989

Nirvana’s debut album, Bleach, was a life changer for a lot of folks when it dropped at the ass-end of the ‘80s, myself included. I spent my last eight bucks on this record over Christmas break the year of its release because I was stuck in the dorm without a copy. It’s hard to believe I could buy this album but was not yet legally able to buy beer, because it is a potent brew of depressive dirges, punk attitude, and a “don’t-give-a-fuck-bout-nuthin” slacker ethos. The album, famously recorded for $606.17, sold 40,000 copies between its release and the band’s major label debut two years later. That’s kind of astronomical for an underground band, but nowhere close to the nearly 2 million copies it would sell in a post-Nevermind world. Every song is a stoner burnout classic and it sounds great on cassette too, because why wouldn’t it?

Soundgarden

Screaming Life/Fopp EP [Sub Pop] 1990

To complete this sacred trilogy of grunge, I submit to you Screaming Life/Fopp. This EP, released in 1990, is a comp. featuring two of the band’s EPs from the late ‘80s. It’s metal in slow-mo with Sabbath-paced songs and a cleaner sound than that of most of Soundgarden’s fellow grunge bands. Either way, it’s as heavy as the best of them and, as the Chris Cornell photo on the cover attests, hair was also on proud display. The menace of “Hunted Down,” the band’s first single, and its b-side “Nothing to Say” are tense and menacing. I was always partial to “Little Joe” and its line “Go to where the reptiles roam. They’re waiting for you, Little Joe,” (probably due to the reptile reference) and if a grunge band wants to cover a funky Ohio Players tune like “Fopp,” more power to ‘em.

If you enjoyed reading these Grunge Masters cassette reviews, you should order a copy of Used Records and Tapes!

Working With A Hangover

Post author By Chris Auman
Post date August 28, 2025
Categories In Reglar Wiglar

Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #27.

Working with a hangover blows chunks, but fear not, Sucky the Parasitic Worm is here to help you survive your crappy existence! Today’s life lesson is how to get through work while suffering from a hangover. Also, if you have a drinking problem, get help, please!

A Guide to Working with a Hangover

Hungover on a workday? Don’t you DARE call in sick and screw over your coworkers. And don’t miss out on your bread just because you can’t hold your juice. Beat that hangover, buddy!

If you are an hourly employee with no paid sick days, you cannot afford to waste a day on a hangover. Have some fricking self-respect and suck it up, Sally. Get thee to work!

Yeah, it’s gonna suck hard but you deserve it, you moron. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about doing those 2 am whisky shots on a school night. If you absolutely must party on a school night, get smart. Make a plan to eat before, during, and after your binge. Drink some water and eat an aspirin or two before you pass out (I am not a doctor. This is not medical advice).

Oh, and try not to drink like a frat person. I realize that sometimes a night of debauchery will pop up unplanned and tackle your ass to the ground, but whenever possible, mitigate the damages.

Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz

Before you go to bed after a binge, drink some sodium bicarbonate and anhydrous citric acid, a.k.a. Alka-Seltzer, and then drink some more as soon as you wake up in the morning. Sure, it looks comforting when it’s all fizzy in a glass, but it tastes like cat piss. Slurp it down anyway and you will feel—not amazing, but amazingly less shitty.

Again, this is not medical advice. I do not have a doctoral or a master’s degree. I barely have a bachelor’s degree and it’s definitely not paid for yet.

Line that Gut With Grease

If you can manage to remember to stuff your face with some good old-fashioned grease before you go to bed after bingeing, you will be the better worker for it. Nothing too salty or you’ll be up all night chugging water. There’s nothing wrong with drinking lots of water, you’ll need to do that too, but you also need sleep. Drinking water and whizzing all night ain’t gonna help you clock those Z’s.

I personally like to eat a slinger at the conclusion of a bender. A slinger comes in different incarnations but usually goes something like this: greasy hash browns topped with two hamburger patties topped with American cheese topped with two fried eggs completely smothered in chili. Eat it with a side of white bread and a glass of milk and you will live longer than Keith Richards. Also, White Castle sliders never taste better than when your three sheets are blowing in the wind, so consider a stop there (on foot!)

The Morning After

Oh boy. I hope you remembered to eat grease last night. Here’s what you don’t want to eat now: anything acidic. Eat some dry toast. Drink some tea and a lot of water. Yes, you need caffeine, I’m not an idiot (or a doctor) but your stomach can’t handle coffee just yet. You’ll cave into your craving soon enough. Try to wait as long as you can though.

Eat a banana, an apple, a pear, maybe eat some (mildly acidic) cranberry juice. Some people think Gatorade does the trick. Some more grease won’t kill you. I usually try to get some type of sausage and egg sandwich in me around this time and at least two orders of hash browns. What can I say, the gut wants what it wants.

Stay Hydrated and Caffeinated

Your brain is going to go through a lot of peaks and valleys throughout the day. You will need to keep it hydrated and find sources of caffeine. I know I previously warned you to avoid it, but that was THEN, this is NOW! Have some coffee as soon as your stomach can handle it.

Consider other caffeine delivery systems such as Coke (that’s a capital ‘C’ on Coke, Disco Stu, don’t mess with the yeyo when you can’t even handle the hooch) or other cola products. More H2O too. Lot’s more.

Hair of the Dog

The Hair of the Dog cure basically advocates staying drunk—a very short-term solution. That said, hangovers are short-term problems. The pros don’t get hungover because they make sure to always have booze in their systems. If you have a job where the lives of others are at stake, you should really just call in sick today, but if you are an office drone or retail worker, who am I to tell you what cure to take? That said, maybe you should save this one for your day-off hangover. That’s a whole ‘nother breed.

I hope you have sense enough to listen to me and not your brain. After all, this is the same brain that told you to drink three pitchers of Busch Light last night so, obviously, it doesn’t know shit.

Try to look busy today, sport, and remember, you will live to be this stupid again, probably in a few days.

Donald Trump on Black Flag

Post author By Chris Auman
Post date August 28, 2025
Categories In Reglar Wiglar

Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #27.

Longtime readers may recall that before he was elected POTUS (the first time), Donald Trump wrote record reviews for the Reglar Wiglar. Now that he is out of the White House, we asked The Donald if he would return to his old post. Amazingly he agreed to share his thoughts on the iconic American hardcore band Black Flag.

(If you’re interested in what Trump thinks of Metallica, read his review of their killer debut album Kill ‘Em All.)

Best Black Flag Album: Damaged

I’ve said this publicly, you can go and check, Damaged is the best Black Flag album. I’ve gotten a lot of credit for saying that. I’ve had big, powerful skinheads — big, tough guys — come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, “Thank you, sir, thank you for saying that Damaged is the best Black Flag record.” Biden thinks Live ‘84 is better and it’s a disgrace.

Donald Trump eating fast food — Drawing by Mike Dixon

Best Black Flag Song: “American Waste”

Dez sings very strongly on this one. Very powerfully. “American Waste” is what was going on in this country when I became president and I changed that. We had the best economy in the history of the world and then came the plague from China and it never should have happened. And I won’t forget it.

Best Black Flag Singer: Henry Rollins

Some people say Keith, some people say Dez, some people say Ron. I say Henry, OK? For me, Henry sings very powerfully. Very strongly. You need that in a singer, especially in hardcore, you need somebody who’s tough.

Trump eating KFC — Drawing by Mike Dixon

Best Black Bass Player: Chuck Dukowski

Chuck plays very strongly. Very powerfully. I can relate to that. Kira? Not a fan. Nasty woman. People have said that if I played bass I would be a very good bass player because I would play very strongly. I like that. Maybe I’ll play bass. Never saw Black Flag, no. I imagine the audience would smell very strongly. Can you see me and Melania at a Black

Best Black Flag Live Show: —-

Never saw Black Flag, no. I imagine the audience would smell very strongly. Can you see me and Melania at a Black Flag show? I don’t think so.

Best Black Flag Drummer: Bill Stevenson

Definitely not Robo. He came here illegally. If he would have gone back to Colombia, or wherever, and come here legally then I would consider Robo. But Bill, Bill plays very strong, very powerful drums. I like Bill’s powerful drums.

Drawing of Mar a Lago — Drawing by Mike Dixon

Best Black Flag Guitar Player: Greg Ginn

Greg Ginn, no question. Great businessman too.

Black Flag Member Ivanka Should Marry After Divorcing Current Husband:

How about none of them, OK? Great band though. Really fantastic for what they did. Very successful for that type of music, hardcore, but no, Ivanka would never marry a loser.